Top Joke Pages: 

More Grandparent Jokes…

  1. What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?… Instagram.
  2. Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair?… She wanted to rock ‘n’ roll! (Music Jokes)
  3. My grandmother bakes cookies the fastest. It literally takes her nana-seconds. (Cookie Jokes)
  4. If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?… Their AGE! (Thanksgiving Jokes)
  5. After 72 years since not completing her college course, my Grandma finally went back and earned her very first diploma……I asked her what will she be wearing for her graduation ceremony and she said depends. (Graduation Jokes)
  6. What’s the difference between an all-you-can-eat restaurant and your grandma’s cooking?… At an all-you-can-eat restaurant, you decide when you’re full.
  7. What do you call a grandpa whale?… A hunch back whale! (Whale Jokes for Kids)
  8. Which relative chimes at you every hour?… A Grandfather Clock! (Grandparent Jokes)
  9. Is There Baseball In Heaven? Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.” The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there’s baseball in heaven.” “What’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching on Wednesday.” (Baseball Jokes)
  10. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60….. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is. (Walking Jokes for Kids & Hiking Jokes)
  11. My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast. I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: “This is my hip replacement.” (Doctor Jokes for Kids)
  12. Knock! Knock!… Who’s there?… Grandma. Knock! Knock!… Who’s there?… Grandma… Knock! Knock!… Who’s there?… Grandma. Knock! Knock!… Who’s there?… Aunt. Aunt who?… Aunt you glad Grandma’s gone? (Knock Knock Jokes for Kids)
  13. A boy, his dad and his grandpa all hear the same hilarious joke, laugh too hard and pee their pants… Guess you could say it runs in their jeans.
  14. Shoutout to my grandparents… Because that’s the only way they can hear me!
  15. My grandpa said he was built upside down. He said his nose runs and his feet smell. (Biology Jokes)
  16. My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.” He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker. (Labor Day Jokes)
  17. What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?… If your grandpa could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy! (Turkey Jokes & Grandparents Jokes)
  18. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
  19. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.” (Dog Jokes)
  20. It is Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup, and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, a relative or even a neighbor to take the seat? The man shook his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.” (Hockey Jokes)
  21. A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandma “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
  22. My great-grandfather fought with Napoleon, my grandfather fought with the French and my father fought with the Americans…. Your relatives couldn’t get along with anyone, could they? (American Revolution Jokes)
  23. Today I went to visit my dead grandparents but I accidentally visited the wrong tomb It was a grave mistake. (Cemetery Jokes)
  24. Grandpa: “I used to have an origami business.” Grandson: “What happened to it?” Grandpa: “It folded!” (Labor Day Jokes)
  25. When do you know your grandfather is old enough to retire?… Instead of lying about her age she start bragging about it!
  26. Why do grandparents count pennies?… They are the only ones who have the time.
  27. Why do Grandparents smile all the time?… Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
  28. When is your grandparents bedtime?… Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.
  29. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”
  30. My grandpa tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times. Eventually, they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
  31. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. (Cemetery Jokes)
  32. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!” (Skating Jokes)
  33. Grandma has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her inside. (Snow Jokes)
  34. Grandpa: “Look they made a movie about The Smurfs grown-up.” Son: “Grandpa, shhhhhhh, that’s ‘Avatar’…” (Movie Jokes)
  35. If you, your parents and your grandparents use Reddit, I guess you could say it’s … ha-Reddit-ary.
  36. What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?… I don’t know. My 17 aunts and uncles won’t answer my question. (Baby Jokes)
  37. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
  38. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.” (Elementary School Jokes)
  39. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!” (Crayon Jokes)
  40. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.” (Travel Blogs)
  41. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said… “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.” (Teacher Jokes)
  42. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.” (Fireman Jokes & Mother’s Day Jokes)
  43. Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” The other says, “I feel just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
  44. A kids grandparents visit over the holidays go to church for Christmas Mass. Halfway through the service, the grandpa leans over and whispers in his wife’s ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The Grandma replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.” (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)
  45. A Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the elderly man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
  46. A grandfather from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. He told her rabbi he had two final requests. First, he wanted to be cremated, and second, he wanted her ashes scattered over Yankee Stadium. “Yankee Stadium!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Yankee Stadium?” “Then I’ll be sure my son visits me once a week.” (Baseball Jokes)
  47. A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.” (Fast Food Jokes)
  48. My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach…. That’s why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon. (Labor Day Jokes)
  49. My grandpa is 95 years old, and he doesn’t even use glasses. He drinks straight from the bottle.
  50. What did Rihanna say to her grandmother with Alzheimer’s? Oh nana, what’s my name?
  51. My grandpa’s last wish was that when he died, we convert his ashes into a diamond…. That’s a lot of pressure.
  52. What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?… I don’t know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.
  53. Shout out to my grandparents! Not because they both helped out with something, but because they have a hearing disability.
  54. Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?… Because they have a common enemy.

A Grandparents Ipod

  1. “I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash “
  2. “You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon
  3. “Talking’ Bout My Medication” by the Who “
  4. “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores
  5. “How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the Bee Gees
  6. “These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra
  7. “I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles
  8. “Bald Thing” by the Troggs
  9. “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones
  10. “I Heard It through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye

Grandfather Jokes

  1. Why do Grandpas smile all the time?… Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
  2. When is your grandpas bedtime?… Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch. (Napping Jokes)
  3. Why do grandpas count pennies?… They are the only ones who have the time.
  4. When do you know your grandfather is old enough to retire?… Instead of lying about her age she start bragging about it!
  5. Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” The other says, “I feel just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
  6. A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. He simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
  7. A kids grandparents visit over the holidays go to church for Christmas Mass. Halfway through the service, the grandpa leans over and whispers in his wife’s ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The Grandma replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.” (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)
  8. A Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the elderly man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
  9. A grandfather from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. He told her rabbi he had two final requests. First, he wanted to be cremated, and second, he wanted her ashes scattered over Yankee Stadium. “Yankee Stadium!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Yankee Stadium?” “Then I’ll be sure my son visits me once a week.”
  10. A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”

Funny Sayings

  1. A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. He simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
  2. “Never have children, only grandchildren.” Gore Vidal
  3. “Becoming a grandmother is wonderful.  One moment you’re just a mother.  The next you are all-wise and prehistoric.“ Pam Brown
  4. “You’re more trouble than the children are” is the greatest compliment a grandparent can receive.” Gene Perret
  5. “Grandchildren: the only people who can get more out of you than the IRS.” Gene Perret
  6. “A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.” Erma Bombeck (Top Halloween Jokes)
  7. “No cowboy was ever faster on the draw than a grandparent pulling a baby picture out of a wallet.” Author Unknown
  8. “Grandchildren are the dots that connect the lines from generation to generation.” Lois Wyse
  9. “If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I’d have had them first.” Lois Wyse
  10. “Elephants and grandchildren never forget.” Andy Rooney
  11. “To a small child, the perfect granddad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo.” Robert Brault
  12. “You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.” Proverb
  13. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.  She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” Ellen DeGeneres
  14. “Two things I dislike about my granddaughter – when she won’t take her afternoon nap, and when she won’t let me take mine.” Gene Perret
  15. “An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.  Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.” Gene Perret
  16. “It’s amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.” Author Unknown
  17. “Grandchildren don’t stay young forever, which is good because Pop-pops have only so many horsey rides in them.” Gene Perret
  18. “When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.” Ogden Nash
  19. “My grandkids believe I’m the oldest thing in the world.  And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.” Gene Perret
  20. “My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.  Drinks right out of the bottle.” Henry Youngman
  21. “Do you know why grandchildren are always so full of energy?  They suck it out of their grandparents.” Gene Perret
  22. “I don’t intentionally spoil my grandkids.  It’s just that correcting them often takes more energy than I have left.” Gene Perret
  23. “The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” Sam Levenson
  24. “My grandchild has taught me what true love means.  It means watching Scooby-Doo cartoons while the basketball game is on another channel.” Gene Perret
  25. “I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have – if only for self-defense.” Gene Perret
  26. “On the seventh day God rested.  His grandchildren must have been out of town.” Gene Perret
  27. “Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.” Gene Perret
  28. “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.” G. Norman Collie
  29. “A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance.” Author Unknown
  30. “I like to do nice things for my grandchildren – like buy them those toys I’ve always wanted to play with.” Gene Perret
  31. “My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.  After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t play my Game Boy?” Unknown
  32. “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather – not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” Will Shriner
  33. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.
  34. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
  35. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
  36. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
  37. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
  38. Grandkid: “Does beer make you smarter?” Grandparent: “No, but it made Budweiser.” (Beer Jokes)