Marriage Jokes

by | Jun 23, 2021 | Dads, Education, Latest News, Moms, Parents

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(Marriage Jokes)

(Divorce Jokes)

  1. Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best marriage jokes.
  2. I’m going to get married on February 29th… so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years. (Leap Year Jokes)
  3. Lord of Rings Life Lesson: Man puts ring on finger, slowly goes insane! (Marriage Jokes & Psychology Jokes)
  4. Why did the Best Man go to Mount Doom?… Because he was the Ring-bearer! (Lord of the Rings Jokes)
  5. My husband wasn’t going to celebrate Leap Day… But he decided to jump on the band wagon. (Marriage Jokes)
  6. I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life… Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.
  7. My wife wasn’t going to celebrate Leap Day… But he decided to jump on the band wagon. (Marriage Jokes)
  8. Why was the man planning to tie the knot on February 29th?… So he can tell his spouse he only forgets their anniversary once every four years! (Wedding Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  9. It’s Black Friday and the mall is packed with shoppers. John has lost sight of his wife and can’t find her. He goes up to a very attractive woman and says, “Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?” The attractive woman replies “Why?” John says, “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife shows up out of thin air.”
  10. Never marry an archaeologist… They’re always digging up the past! (Archaeology Jokes)
  11. Why was the robot couple’s anniversary in the fall?… They were autumn mated. (Computer Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  12. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have… The older she gets the more interested he is in her. (Archaeology Jokes)
  13. I decide to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning… I can’t have Sharpies in the house anymore. (Smile Jokes)
  14. My wife and I hung a copy of the US Constitution in our house… We call it the decoration of independence. (Constitution Jokes)
  15. How I plan on never becoming a Grandparent.. I’ll be naming my daughter pregnant so when a guy meets her. Guy: Hi, I’m Paul. Her: Hi, I’m pregnant. Case closed.
  16. “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.” G. Norman Collie (Grandparent Jokes)
  17. Why did grandpa love grandma so much that he called her “love”, “honey”, “darling” even after 60 years of marriage?… Because grandpa had forgotten grandma’s name.
  18. Did you hear about the notebook who married the pencil?… She finally found Mr. Write. (Pencil Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  19. A worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home. When he arrives, he asks his wife “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replies “I’d take half the money and leave you.” “Great! I just won $200 tonight, here’s $100 — enjoy your half.” (Marriage Jokes & Divorce Jokes)
  20. Did you hear about the notebook who married the pen?… He finally found Ms. Write. (Marriage Jokes)
  21. Why do librarians get married?… Because they are on the same page. (Marriage Jokes)
  22. How do boogers get married?… They tie the snot.
  23. A recent study has revealed that 58% of marriages end in misery… The other 42% end in divorce.
  24. What is the number one cause of divorce in America?… Marriage. (Divorce Jokes)
  25. Why do librarians get married?… Because they are on the same page.
  26. What are they calling barbie’s husband after a nap?… A woke Ken. (Napping Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  27. My husband keeps turning off the air conditioning… Not cool. (Heat Wave Jokes)
  28. If I get quarantined for two weeks with my wife and I die… I can assure you it was not the virus that killed me. (Covid Jokes)
  29. Did you hear about the tornado that married a cloud?… The wedding was a whirlwind! (Earth Day Jokes)
  30. A pancake gets married to royalty… Her husband is Sir Up. (Knight Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  31. Do you know why Indiana Jones never got married?… Bad dates. (Indiana Jones Jokes)
  32. A woman from Maryland who fell in love with the DJ from her first wedding day has married him five years later… she originally asked him three years ago, but he said he wasn’t taking requests just then. (Maryland Jokes)
  33. Alabama is so progressive… the women don’t even change their last names when they get married.
  34. What does a hotdog call his wife?… Honey bun. (Wedding Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  35. Why can’t you marry a jar of peanut butter?… It will make you nutty.
  36. How would the dessert propose to his girlfriend?… Pie love you berry much.
  37. I told my wife that I thought that the Grinch’s voice was a little strange… But the wife said “Who?”(Grinch Jokes)
  38. Well, I guess we are going to see “The Nutcracker” this Christmas!… My in-laws, not the play. (Marriage Jokes)
  39. One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on. (101 Lord of the Rings Jokes & Wedding Jokes)
  40. Who did Saruman get married to?… Sarugirl. (Wedding Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  41. Why did the Best Man go to Mount Doom?… Because he was the Ring-bearer! (Lord of the Rings Jokes)
  42. My wife is the biggest “Lord of the Rings” fan… Every night I hear her Tolkien in her sleep. (Napping Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  43. Two workers decided to get married right after Labor Day… The wedding guests said their union was beautiful. (Wedding Jokes)
  44. Why did the two dentists get married?… Because they were so enameled of each other. (Dentist Jokes)
  45. My wife who was a dentist passed away… I’ve loved and I’ve flossed. (Marriage Jokes & Cemetery Jokes)
  46. One of the earliest dates I went on with my wife was a blindfolded archery lesson. It wasn’t our first date… but was the one that stuck in my head. (Archery Jokes)
  47. My wife’s panties are labelled ‘Monday’, ‘Tuesday’, ‘Wednesday’ … My underwear is labelled ‘January’, February’, ‘March’… (Top 10 Jokes for Each Month)
  48. What do you call it when two chocolate chip cookies from the same sheet get married?… A batch made in heaven (Chocolate Chip Cookie Jokes)
  49. My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer. I told her no… I ate it on the couch. (Ice Cream Jokes)
  50. The Lord of the Rings must be about marriage… Because when you put the ring on, you disappear. (Lord of the Rings Jokes)
  51. I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life… Must be the same ring I put on when I got married. (Wedding Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  52. At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?” “Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
  53. If Burger King married Dairy Queen where would they live?… At White Castle! (Cheeseburger Jokes for Kids & Marriage Jokes)
  54. Why should you never marry a badminton player?… Because love means nothing to them! (Badminton Jokes)
  55. What does the ice cream call his wife?… His one and cone-ly. (Ice Cream Jokes)
  56. What does the ice cream call her husband?… His one and cone-ly. (Ice Cream Jokes)
  57. After a long hard day my wife asked to cook her an Hawaiian pizza! She wasn’t to happy to see I’d burnt her dinner, after all I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature!
  58. My wife is the biggest “Lord of the Rings” fan… Every night I hear her Tolkien in her sleep. (Napping Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  59. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Noah… Noah, who?… Noah good joke about marriage?
  60. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know how to tell a good marriage knock-knock joke?
  61. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know any good marriage knock knock jokes? (June Jokes & Spring Knock Knock Jokes)
  62. The United States is a free country where every man can do as his wife pleases. (4th of July Jokes)
  63. Lord of Rings Life Lesson: Man puts ring on finger, slowly goes insane! (Wedding Jokes & 101 Lord of the Rings Jokes)
  64. Why did the Best Man go to Mount Doom?… Because he was the Ring-bearer! (Marriage Jokes & Wedding Jokes)
  65. Why is Obi-wan Kenobi a terrible marriage counselor?… The only advice he gives is Use di- vorce. (Divorce Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  66. What is a bee’s favorite part of a relationship?… The Honeymoon period. (Valentine’s Day Jokes & Wedding Jokes)
  67. How do you propose to the queen bee?… With a Ru-Bee ring. (Wedding Jokes)
  68. Who protects the Queen Bee?… Her Hub-bee. (Valentine’s Day Jokes & Wedding Jokes)
  69. What did one bee say to the other?… I love bee-ing with you, honey! (Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes)
  70. Why didn’t any of Luke Skywalker’s marriages last?… He always followed Obi-Wan’s advice: “Use divorce, Luke.” (Marriage Jokes & Divorce Jokes)
  71. One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on. (Marriage Jokes & Wedding Jokes)
  72. Who did Saruman marry?… Saruwoman! (Wedding Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  73. Why did the bee get married?… He found his honey. (Valentine’s Day Jokes & Wedding Jokes)
  74. A practical nurse is one who marries a rich, terminally ill patient. (Nurse Jokes)
  75. Hawaii Puns: Diamond Head is a girl’s best friend. (Hawaii Jokes)
  76. Hawaii Puns: I can’t wait to Maui you. (Hawaii Jokes & Wedding Jokes)
  77. What is the worst day to propose on?… April Fools’ Day! (April Jokes)
  78. You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married?… Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt.
  79. My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy… She’s Tolkien in her sleep.
  80. I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life… Must be the same ring I put on when I got married. (Wedding Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  81. Who did Saruman get married to?… Sarugirl. (Wedding Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  82. What did Galadriel say when Frodo offered her the Ring?… I do! (101 Lord of the Rings Jokes)
  83. If I remind my wife about Daylight Saving Time again… I think she might CLOCK me. (Daylight Savings Jokes)
  84. What was Frodo at Aragorn and Arwen’s wedding?… The Ring-bearer! (Lord of the Rings Jokes)
  85. Golfer’s Wife in disbelief: Were you really under the whole day? Husband: “Yes…under a tree…under a bush…and under the water,” (Marriage Jokes)
  86. “I married an Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day.” ….”Oh, really?” …. “No, O’Reilly!”
  87. 20 years ago I asked my high school love out to Prom, today I ask her to marry me… Both times she said no. (Wedding Jokes& Marriage Jokes)
  88. An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way” (Marriage Jokes / Christmas Jokes / Divorce Jokes)
  89. What did the farmer give his wife for Valentines day?… Corn Rows. (Corn Jokes) 
  90. What did Avogadro give his ex-wife every month?… Alimoley. (Divorce Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  91. My wife came home from work yesterday and was raging about her boss. She said to me, “I’m never going to work for that man again!.”  I asked her, “Why, what did he say to you?”  She said, “You’re fired.”  (Labor Day Jokes)
  92. What did Mr. and Mrs. Cheeseburger name their daughter?…. Patty. (Baby Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  93. You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married?… Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt. (Wedding Jokes & Golf Jokes)
  94. What do some couples do during the first month of the year?… Get Janumarried. (January Jokes)
  95. Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes. “That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.” “Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.” (Cemetery Jokes & Golf Jokes)
  96. A man once asked his friend the difference between a cyclone, a hurricane and a divorced wife…. Nothing! They all get the house. (Hurricane Jokes)
  97. If Burger King married Dairy Queen where would they live?… At White Castle! (Ice Cream Jokes for Kids & Cheeseburger Jokes)
  98. I bought my wife some mirrored sunglasses… I look great in them! (Sunglasses Jokes)
  99. Did you hear about the notebook who married the pencil?… She finally found Mr. Write. (Marriage Jokes)
  100. Did you hear about the notebook who married the pencil?… He finally found Mr. Write. (Marriage Jokes)