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  1. Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best jokes about nurses.
  2. My nurse wasn’t going to celebrate Leap Day… But he decided to jump on the band wagon. (Leap Year Jokes)
  3. How do you know if an octopus is alive?… You check its octo-pulse! (Octopus Jokes)
  4. The nurse walked into the busy doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, the invisible man is here.” The doctor replied, “Sorry, I can’t see him.” (Biology Jokes for Kids & Halloween Jokes)
  5. Did you hear about the kidnapping at the local middle school?… Probably not, he is still sleeping in the nurse’s office. (Napping Jokes & Nurse Jokes)
  6. Why did the nurse go to art school?… So they could learn to draw blood. (Art Jokes & May Jokes for Teachers)
  7. What is it called when a hospital runs out of maternity nurses?… A mid-wife crisis! (Mother’s Day Jokes & Baby Jokes)
  8. I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight… to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care.
  9. Why did middle school nurse tip toe past the medicine cabinet? … She didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills. (Doctor Jokes & Napping Jokes)
  10. I kept trying to playing hide-and-seek when I was in the hospital… but the security kept finding me in the ICU.
  11. Where did the teacher send the Viking when he got sick in class?… To the school Norse! (Viking Jokes & Leif Erikson Day Jokes)
  12. The nurse taking my blood got annoyed when I told them they were bad at their job, I don’t understand why though… after all they did keep saying: ‘be negative.’ (Psychology Jokes)
  13. After a bad cut, I asked the ER nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said, “Suture self.”
  14. What did the nurse say to the man who fainted at the airport terminal?… I think you might have a terminal illness. (Pilot Jokes & Plane Jokes)
  15. Did you hear the joke about the germ?… Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around. (Doctor Jokes)
  16. Where does the Easter Bunny study medicine? … John HOPkins. (Easter Jokes & Maryland Jokes
  17. What ‘s the difference between a nurse and a nun?… A nun only serves one God.
  18. What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?… Get dressed up, the nurse is helping the doctor and taking us out!
  19. I studied to become a nurse… but I didn’t have enough patients for the job. (Labor Jokes)
  20. I was gonna have a baby at the hospital downtown but the week I was due, all the nurses quit their job and bought Corvettes…. I guess they were having a midwife crisis. (Mother’s Day Jokes / Car Jokes / Baby Jokes)
  21. The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.” The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband again asked “So what do you say to the others?” The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.” (Baby Jokes)
  22. The nurse who can smile when things go wrong… Is probably going off duty.
  23. Doctor to nurse: “How is the child who swallowed a few quarters doing?” Nurse: “No change.” (Doctor Jokes)
  24. A practical nurse is one who marries a rich, terminally ill patient. (Marriage Jokes)
  25. Statistically 9 out of 10 injections are in vein. (Doctor Jokes)
  26. A nurse wakes up her patient and says “Wake up Mrs. Johnson. It’s time to take your sleeping pills.” (Napping Jokes)
  27. Why are nurses afraid of the outdoors?… Too much poison IV.
  28. Phone call with nurse: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart! Nurse: “Is this her first child?” Me: “No, you idiot!, this is her husband!” (Baby Jokes)
  29. Nurse Bumper Sticker: Don’t mess with me – I get paid to poke people with very sharp objects.
  30. Never upset a pediatric nurse… They have very little patients. (Baby Jokes)
  31. If Jake has 30 chocolate bars, and eats 25, what does he have?… Diabetes….. Jake has diabetes! (Candy Jokes)
  32. What did the coffee addict say to his nurse?…I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it! (Doctor Jokes & Coffee Jokes)
  33. How do you know when a nurse is having a bad day?… She won’t stop needling people.
  34. Why does the infectious disease ward at the hospital have the fastest Wi-Fi?… Because it has all the hot spots. (Computer Jokes)
  35. Patient to nurse: “Will I be able to play the guitar after this operation?” Nurse: “Yes, of course.” Patient: “That’s great because I couldn’t before.” (Music Jokes & Guitar Jokes)
  36. Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk quietly past the medicine cabinet?… So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills. (Napping Jokes)
  37. What do transplant nurses hate?… Rejection!
  38. What did the nurse say to the patient who swallowed Scrabble tiles?… Don’t worry, you’ll have a vowel movement soon. (Grammar Jokes)
  39. What do you give a sick bird?… Tweetment. (Bird Jokes)
  40. Why do nurses make the best Jedi?… Because a Jedi must have patience. (Star Wars Jokes)
  41. Why did Mr. Peanut go to the hospital?… Because he was a-salted. (Peanut Jokes)
  42. A priest, rabbi, and minister all had to go to the hospital. Turns out, they got alcohol poisoning from going to the bar so much. (Beer Jokes)
  43. Nurse: “Anything else I can get you?” Patient: “A million dollars!”
  44. What inspires a nurse to move at the speed of light?… A bed alarm or fresh coffee in the break room. (Coffee Jokes)
  45. Did you hear the news that a lot of applications just came in from people looking to pursue a career as the government’s top-ranking medical official?… Yes, there was a surge in general.
  46. Nurse: My best friend’s name is Pam. She’s pretty low-key and great to be around. She goes by Loraze Pam, Diaze Pam, or Clonaze Pam.
  47. I don’t find medical puns funny anymore… since I developed an irony deficiency. (Grammar Jokes)
  48. Nurse: You know you’re getting hangry when your patient’s meal tray starts to look appetizing.
  49. My younger brother made so many rash decisions he decided to become a dermatologist. (Doctor Jokes)
  50. Never try lying to an X-ray technician… They can see right through you.
  51. Organ coordinator: Here’s our list of donor lungs, hearts, and kidneys in alphabetical order. Transplant surgeon: Impressive! It’s very organ-ized. (Doctor Jokes)
  52.  I went to visit my sister at the hospital, but after driving around the only parking spot I found was in the C section. I had to climb out of the sunroof.
  53. Did you hear about the two podiatrists who left the practice?… They became arch enemies.
  54. Insuree: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? Insurer: You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
  55. Patient to nurse: “I feel run down.” Nurse: “What makes you say that?” Patient: “The tire marks across my legs.” (Car Jokes)
  56. Doctor to a nurse: “Did you take this patient’s temperature?” Nurse: “No. Why is it missing?”
  57. What does a pig put on a cut?… Oinkment.
  58. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Noah… Noah, who?… Noah good joke about nursing?
  59. When is the worst time to have a heart attack?… During a game of charades.
  60. Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter opens the gates and lets him in. The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter nods in approval and lets him in. The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped hundreds of families get cost-effective health care.” St. Peter replies, “You may enter, but you’re only approved for a three-day stay.” (Cemetery Jokes)
  61. What do you get when you eat Christmas ornaments?…  Tinsel-itis! (Christmas Jokes Christmas Tree Jokes)
  62. “I can’t be your Valentine for medical reasons.”…“Really?”… “Yeah, you make me sick!” (Valentine’s Day Jokes)
  63. I caught a cold riding on a carousel… I think there was something going around.
  64. PMS jokes aren’t funny—period.
  65. Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it. (Bacon Jokes)
  66. I had a neck brace fitted years ago… I’ve never looked back since.
  67. Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands?… Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake. (Birthday Jokes / Covid Jokes / Cake Jokes)
  68. Where does a canoe go when it’s sick?… To the DOCK! (Canoe Jokes for Kids / Doctor Jokes for Kids / Summer Jokes for Kids)
  69. What’s the opposite of coffee?… Sneezy. (Doctor Jokes)
  70. I got really sick after drinking milk with cream… My stomach was churning for a while… but now I’m finally feeling butter. (Milk Jokes & Butter Jokes)
  71. Recent studies show patients who have a cold feel better on Saturdays and Sundays… Evidence points to a weekend immune system.
  72. A nurse asked me recently, “Are you always this pale?” I told him, “Only on caucasian.”
  73. Knock knock… Who’s there?… HIPAA… HIPAA who?… I can’t tell you that.
  74. What kept Avogadro in bed for two months?… Moleonucleosis. (Mole Day Jokes)
  75. How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?… None. They just have a nursing student do it.
  76. Why did the pillow go to the nurse?… He was feeling all stuffed up! (Napping Jokes)
  77. When does a nurse get mad?… When she / he runs out of patients!
  78. When I went to get my Covid vaccinations the young nurse told me they were very nervous as it was their first time… I told them to give it their best shot. (Covid Jokes)
  79. What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?… A rash of good luck on St. Patrick’s Day. (St. Patrick’s Day Jokes)
  80. Why did the donut go to the nurse?… Because it was feeling crummy! (Donut Jokes for Kids)
  81. Did you hear about the guy who had his entire left side cut off?… He’s all right now.
  82. Why do nurses carry red crayons to work?… In case they have to draw blood. (Crayon Jokes)
  83. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know how to tell a good nursing knock-knock joke?
  84. Why do nurses bring red magic markers into work?… In case they have to draw blood.
  85. When I went to get my vaccinations the young nurse told me they were very nervous as it was their first time… I told them to give it their best shot.
  86. What falls but never gets hurt?… The rain! (Spring Jokes)
  87. Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctors?… He was feeling crummy. (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)
  88. Did you hear about the maternal nurse who ran off with a doctor?… It was a midwife crisis.
  89. Why did the computer go to the nurse?… It had a virus.
  90. I once heard a joke about amnesia… but I forget how it goes.
  91. What do you call two ITU nurses holding hands?… A synapse.
  92. Did you hear about the nurse who died and went to hell?… It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!
  93. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?… He was feeling really crummy!
  94. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know any good nursing knock knock jokes? (June Jokes Spring Knock Knock Jokes)
  95. What is the opposite of you’re out?… Urine. (Baseball Jokes)
  96. Why did the leaf go to the doctor?… It was feeling green. (Earth Day & Tree Jokes)
  97. If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does an astronaut get?…Missile Toe! (Christmas Jokes / Christmas Trivia / Top 10 Sports Jokes)
  98. Acupuncture… What’s the point?
  99. When you get a bladder infection.. ur-ine trouble.
  100. What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?… Claustrophobic. (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)
  101. Why was Santa’s little helper sad?… He had low elf esteem! (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)
  102. What is the proper way to use a stress ball?… Throw it at the last person who made you mad.
  103. Why did the nurse lose his / her temper?… Because he didn’t have any patients!
  104. Sign on the lawn at a rehab center…. Keep off the grass.
  105. I had to take my son to the hospital after he swallowed ten quarters. He was rushed to surgery. After half an hour I saw a nurse so I asked her how he was. She said, “There’s no change yet.”
  106. A patient arrived at the ER via an ambulance with minor burns on his legs. His shoes and the bottoms of his jeans are charred. The doctor asks what happened, and the patient says he was trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard, and things go out of hand. The doctor noted his breath reeked of alcohol and asked him if he had been drinking. The patient adamantly says no. The doctor couldn’t resist a setup like this and looked the man directly in the eye and said, “liar, liar, pants on fire.” Everyone had a good laugh, except the patient, who was so drunk it went over his head.
  107. Patient: “Will I be able to play the piano after this operation?” Nurse: “Sure! Of course!” Patient: “That’s awesome because I couldn’t before!”