Google Search “Divorce Jokes”

(Divorce Jokes)

  1. Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best jokes about divorce.
  2. What is the number one cause of divorce in America?… Marriage. (Marriage Jokes)
  3. What did Avogadro give his ex-wife every month?… Alimoley.
  4. My grandparents fought during World War II… They ended up getting a divorce. (Grandparent Jokes)
  5. Why was the mathematician told to see a psychologist?… Because he kept obsessing over his x. (Divorce Jokes & Math Jokes for Kids)
  6. Why did the polar bears get divorced?… One was bi-polar, and the other just wasn’t into that stuff. (Bear Jokes)
  7. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you give me the name of a good divorce lawyer? (Canoe Jokes & Lawyer Jokes)
  8. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you set me up with a friend. I just got divorced. (Canoe Jokes)
  9. A recent study has revealed that 58% of marriages end in misery… The other 42% end in divorce. (Marriage Jokes)
  10. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you teach me how to use a dating app. I just got divorced. (Canoe Jokes)
  11. A dentist and a manicurist decided to get divorced… They fought tooth and nail. (Dentist Jokes)
  12. A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce. It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle. (Donut Jokes)
  13. Why do librarians get divorced?… Because they are not on the same page. (Library Jokes)
  14. Why didn’t any of Luke Skywalker’s marriages last?… He always followed Obi-Wan’s advice: “Use divorce, Luke.” (Marriage Jokes & Star Wars Jokes)
  15. What do you call Santa Clause after he gets divorced?… An independent Clause. (Grammar Jokes)
  16. Did you know they make a divorcee Barbie now?… She comes with all of Ken’s stuff. (Barbie Jokes)
  17. A worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home. When he arrives, he asks his wife “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replies “I’d take half the money and leave you.” “Great! I just won $200 tonight, here’s $100 — enjoy your half.” (Marriage Jokes & Divorce Jokes)
  18. What did Yoda say to Princess Leia after separating with Han Solo?… May divorce be with you. (Star Wars Jokes) 
  19. I broke up with my wife on a ski trip… Our relationship was going downhill. (Divorce Jokes)
  20. See the new “recently divorced” Barbie doll you can now get?… She comes with Ken’s Corvette. (Divorce Jokes & Car Jokes)
  21. My wife divorced me because I’m a compulsive gambler… All I can think about is how to win her back!
  22. At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced… In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
  23. My wife and I recently divorced due to my terrible handwriting… Since then I’ve become an illegible bachelor. (Grammar Jokes)
  24. Get divorced if you’re broke… You’ll only be half broke after.
  25. Jedi’s make lousy spouses… They always threaten to use divorce. (Star Wars Jokes) 
  26. Why don’t horses ever get a divorce?… Because they’re in a stable relationship. (Horse Jokes)
  27. Why are relationships similar to algebra?… Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y. (Algebra Jokes)
  28. Why did Barbie divorce Ken?… He kept toying with her emotions. (Barbie Jokes)
  29. If marriage is grand, what is divorce?… Ten grand!
  30. Why did the wife divorce the baker?… Because he was too kneady.
  31. A divorce court judge said to the husband, “I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.” “That’s very fair, your honor,” he replied. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.” (Lawyer Jokes)
  32. When my ex wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, “Good job. Well done.” I wanted things to end on a positive note.
  33. The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order. I said, “Alphabetically or by age?” (Lawyer Jokes)
  34. Why did the geologist’s wife leave him?… He took her for granite. (Geology Jokes)
  35. An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way” (Marriage Jokes / Christmas Jokes / Divorce Jokes)
  36. What’s the only thing divorce proves?… Whose mother was right in the first place. (Mom Jokes)
  37. My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars. I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.” (Star Wars Jokes)
  38. What did the nut tree say when his wife left him?… I walnut stand for this. (Tree Jokes)
  39. Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced… It’s as if they were polar opposites. (Bear Jokes)
  40. Kids, your mother and I are getting divorced. She said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was kidding, but… Then I saw her face, now I’m a believer. (Monkey Jokes)
  41. Why did one melon divorce the other melon?… He didn’t know water problem was. (Watermelon Jokes)
  42. Did you all hear the one about a guy whose wife left him for a tractor salesman?… She gave him a John Deere letter! (Farming Jokes)
  43. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows… They never get to keep the house.
  44. Getting a divorce is like getting fired from a job you’ve hated for years. (Labor Day Jokes)
  45. Why is America happy on July 4th?… Because it got a divorce from Britain. (4th of July Jokes)
  46. Why is Obi-wan Kenobi a terrible marriage counselor?… The only advice he gives is Use di- vorce. (Divorce Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  47. My ex-husband was very responsible… If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
  48. What does Obi-Wan think about Padme and Anakin’s relationship?… Di-vorce is strong with these two. (Star Wars Jokes) 
  49. Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing. He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions… The marriage felt like a sentence. (Grammar Jokes)
  50. My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid… But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house. (Lawyer Jokes)
  51. My wife divorced me because I was bad at directions… Apparently, I didn’t notice when it all went south.
  52. My wife is furious that I don’t clean the coffee from the machine after I am done with it… Grounds for divorce. (Coffee Jokes)
  53. Getting a divorce is like getting a new phone…: You keep telling people how great it is and trying to convince everybody to get one too.
  54. Did you hear there’s a new Divorce Barbie?… It comes with all of Ken’s accessories. (Barbie Jokes)
  55. Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana… The judges have started issuing joint custody. (Colorado Jokes)
  56. Ex #1: Every passing year our relationship gets better. Ex #2: But we’re divorced. Ex #1: Yes.
  57. My husband and I divorced over religious differences… He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
  58. What did Avogadro give his ex-wife every month?… Alimoley. (Divorce Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  59. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know how to tell a good skiing knock-knock joke?
  60. I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce… I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much. (Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes)
  61. I divorced my cross-eyed wife… We didn’t see eye to eye… I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
  62. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness never paid for a divorce.
  63. A friend suggested trying a local honey for my allergies. So I did that… Now my wife wants a divorce. (Honey Jokes)
  64. Why is divorce so expensive?…. Because it’s worth it.
  65. I broke up with my husband on a ski trip… Our relationship was going downhill. (Divorce Jokes)
  66. Knock Knock…Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know any good skiing knock knock jokes? (June Jokes & Spring Knock Knock Jokes)
  67. Why did the stockbroker not get upset when her wife divorced her?… Because she’s got lots of options.
  68. Why did the cat get divorced?… He was a cheetah. (Cat Jokes)
  69. What do they say at the divorced people’s bar?… You don’t have to stay here, but you can’t go home. (Beer Jokes)
  70. After my divorce, I gave my wife a necklace with my face on it as a parting gift… I am now independent.
  71. After my divorce, I gave my husband a necklace with my face on it as a parting gift… I am now independent.
  72. When my ex husband and I divorced, I handed him a letter saying, “Good job. Well done.” I wanted things to end on a positive note.
  73. Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons. If they acquire my parent’s divorce they will own my entire childhood. (Star Wars Jokes) 
  74. My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair… Guess who came crawling back?
  75. My husband divorced me so I took his wheelchair… Guess who came crawling back?
  76. Why did the divorced dad have a vitamin D deficiency?… He wasn’t getting enough son.
  77. Is it okay to marry your second cousin?… Sure, as long as you’re legally divorced from the first one.
  78. My wife insisted she is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like she is the man of the house… So I divorced her and took the house.
  79. Husband: “I want a divorce, my wife hasn’t spoken to me in six months.” Lawyer: “Think about it carefully. Wives like that are hard to find.” (Lawyer Jokes)
  80. I asked my wife what she’d do if I won the lottery. She said, ”Divorce you and take half.” I said, ”I won $10, here’s $5 and there’s the door.”
  81. Why is marriage not a word? A: It’s a life sentence! (Grammar Jokes)
  82. If Bigamy is having one wife too many, what is Monogamy?… The Same!
  83. How do you know your wife is a good housekeeper? A: After the divorce she keeps the house!
  84. Marriage is a three ring circus… #1 An engagement ring #2 a wedding ring #3 suffer-ring! (Circus Jokes)
  85. What do you call a woman who has lost 90% of her intelligence?… Divorced.
  86. What do you call a man who has lost 90% of her intelligence?… Divorced