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Google Search “Lawyer Jokes”

  1. Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best lawyer jokes.
  2. What happened when grandma decided to take action against the airline for losing her luggage?… She lost her case. (Plane Jokes & Lawyer Jokes)
  3. Why did Horton the elephant go to law school?… He wanted to become an expert in heara-phernalia.
  4. I’ve been told I have a Supreme Court figure… No appeal. (Bill of Rights Jokes)
  5. What does a lawyer do during a Leap Year?… Jump to conclusions. (Leap Year Jokes)
  6. It was just after Thanksgiving, and the judge was in a happy mood. He asked the defendant who was in the dock, ‘What are you charged with?’ The defendant replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping too early. ‘That’s no crime’, said the judge. ‘Just how early were you doing this shopping?’ ‘Before the shop opened’, answered the defendant. (Black Friday Jokes)
  7. Why are apples so bad in interrogations?… They always crumble. (Police Jokes & Apple Jokes)
  8. Why are apples such bad in witnesses in court?… They always crumble. (Lawyer Jokes & Apple Jokes)
  9. Where do fish go when they need a lawyer?… Legal Seafoods.
  10. Husband: “I want a divorce, my wife hasn’t spoken to me in six months.” Lawyer: “Think about it carefully. Wives like that are hard to find.”
  11. Why did the insurance agent take the day off on Labor Day?… She needed to insure her own well-being.
  12. The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order. I said, “Alphabetically or by age?” (Divorce Jokes)
  13. My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid… But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
  14. A divorce court judge said to the husband, “I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.” “That’s very fair, your honor,” he replied. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.” (Divorce Jokes)
  15. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you give me the name of a good divorce lawyer? (Canoe Jokes & Lawyer Jokes)
  16. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you set me up with a friend. I just got divorced. (Canoe Jokes)
  17. Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a White Shark for biting all his limbs off?… He didn’t have a leg to stand on! (Cape Cod Jokes Shark Jokes)
  18. How did the hot dog get the job despite having a criminal record?… It was a misde-wiener. (Labor Day Jokes & Lawyer Jokes)
  19. What Boston Bruin would be a great lawyer?… Jeremy Swayman. (Lawyer Jokes & Massachusetts Jokes)
  20. When is a NBA draft choice like a judge?… When he sits on the bench. (NBA Draft Jokes)
  21. I just heard that the government has made an amendment during lockdown to allow Father Christmas out… It’s called the Santa Clause. (Covid Jokes / Christmas Jokes / Lawyer Jokes)
  22. What do lawyers put on sandwiches?… Plea-nut butter. (Peanut Butter Jokes)
  23. Why is the Grinch seeking out a contract lawyer?… To help get rid of the Santa Clauses. (Grinch Jokes)
  24. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you give me the name of a good lawyer? (Canoe Jokes & Lawyer Jokes)
  25. How is an English teacher like a judge?… They both give out sentences! (Grammar Jokes & Lawyer Jokes)
  26. Did you hear they passed a law banning ice cream?… Don’t worry, it was ruled un-cone-stitutional! (Ice Cream Jokes & Lawyer Jokes)
  27. What do lawyers wear to work on Labor Day?… A lawsuit. (Labor Day Jokes)
  28. What did the dentist shout in the courtroom?… You can’t handle the tooth! (Lawyer Jokes & Movie Jokes)
  29. The lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer. (Dentist Jokes)
  30. New York has the most lawyers in the USA. New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps in the USA. Why is this so?… New Jersey had first pick. (New Jersey Jokes)
  31. What did the shark plead in court?… Gill-ty. 
  32. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?… New Jersey got first pick! (Lawyer Jokes)
  33. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Noah… Noah, who?… Noah good joke about lawyers?
  34. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know how to tell a good lawyer knock-knock joke?
  35. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know any good lawyer knock knock jokes? (June Jokes Spring Knock Knock Jokes)
  36. When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin… Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.” (Penguin Jokes)
  37. New York has the most lawyers in the USA. New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps in the USA. Why is this so?… New Jersey had first pick.
  38. What does a penguin lawyer order at a bar?… Just ice. (Lawyer Jokes & Beer Jokes)
  39. Why couldn’t the Grinch steal Christmas?… Because of the Santa clause. (Police Jokes / Lawyer Jokes / Grammar Jokes)
  40. It is in the news today that Florida is having its first remote trial via zoom… It looks like things will be settled out of court. (Lawyer Jokes)
  41. Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a Chatham Great White Shark for biting all his limbs off?… He didn’t have a leg to stand on! (Shark Jokes & Cape Cod Jokes)
  42. I’ve been told I have a Supreme Court figure… No appeal. (Constitution Jokes)
  43. Which month is most likely to commit perjury?… July (get it Ju LIE!) (July Jokes)
  44. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… July… July who?… July in court and you go to jail for perjury. (July Jokes)
  45. How do oil companies deal with with oil spills?… Slick lawyers. (Earth Day Jokes)
  46. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?… A law-botomy.
  47. Basketball sued Tennis for no reason… Now they have to go to court! (Tennis Jokes & Basketball Jokes)
  48. When is a Super Bowl football player like a judge?… When he sits on the bench. (Super Bowl Jokes)
  49. Birthday The Judge asks the defendant, “When is your birthday Mr. McKenzie?“ – “February 20th, Your Honor.” – “And what year?” – “Every year, Your Honor” (Birthday Jokes & Lawyer Jokes)
  50. Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes. By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'” “But why?” asked Mike. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied. (Super Bowl Jokes & Mailman Jokes)
  51. What’s the difference between O. J. Simpson and the losing Super Bowl team?… O. J. Simpson had a defense. (Super Bowl Jokes)
  52. If 2020 was a person I’d sue him for pain and suffering. (New Year’s Eve Jokes)
  53. A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti… So I put in a re-straining order. (Police Jokes & Spaghetti Jokes)
  54. Which month is most likely to commit perjury?… July (get it Ju LIE!) (July Jokes)
  55. If you blew up Mount Rushmore, what crime would you have committed?… Four counts of defacing a national monument. (Police Jokes & South Dakota Jokes)
  56. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?… A law-botomy. (Graduation Jokes)
  57. How did the jury find the hamburger?… Grill-ty as charred. (Police Jokes & Hamburger Jokes)
  58. What did the hamburger say when it pleaded not guilty?… I’ve been flamed! (Police Jokes & Hamburger Jokes)
  59. Lobster Lawyer: He goes up to the bartender and says: “Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I’m a lawyer.” “Blimey… A lobster lawyer? That is impressive,” says the bartender. The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document that looks to be at least 100 pages. He slides it to the bartender. “This is a legal contract that covers all the questions usually asked of me whenever I walk into a bar. I’ve just finished a pretty rough case and would like to get to drinking as soon as possible, so if we could skip over the usual jokes and just get through this without delay I’d be much obliged.” The bartender looks at the lobster carefully, but soon nods in agreement. “Fair enough, mate,” he says. “Let’s work through this.” The bartender flips over the cover page and starts reading aloud. “‘Point 1: I am a lobster of legal drinking age and you’ll find in Annex A a copy of my legally acceptable identification.’ Well, okay, no problems there. “‘Point 2: You can serve me more than water and are absolved of any misfortune that befalls me while drinking at your establishment.’ What’s your favourite drink?” “Vermouth, usually,” says The Lobster, “but I’m hoping for a few stiff glasses of whiskey tonight.” “Okay,” the bartender continues reading, “‘Point 3: We’ve established I am a lawyer, and therefore reasonably wealthy. This should assuage any fears you might have about my capability to settle my tab, but I am happy to pay up front if you have any concerns.'” The Lobster slaps a crisp $50 bill onto the bar. “Well alright then,” says the bartender. “There’s just one more point to read and agree to,” says The Lobster. The bartender raises an eyebrow, seeing that he’s still on page one and there are a considerable amount of pages left to read, and quickly flips through a number of the pages to confirm that there is, in fact, writing on every page. “Look,” he says, “before I read the rest, I have to ask: why the large clause?” The Lobster gives a little sigh. “Dunno,” he says. “I’m a lobster. I guess I’ve always had them.” (Lobster Jokes)
  60. How did the hotdog get the job despite having a criminal record?… It was a misde-wiener. (Police Jokes & Hot Dog Jokes)
  61. They brought the hot dog in for questioning… He gave the… wurst… answers! (Police Jokes & Hot Dog Jokes)
  62. What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?… Anecdoughtal evidence! (Donut Jokes)
  63. What did the shark plead in the murder case?… Not gill-ty! (Police Jokes & Shark Jokes)
  64. Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best jokes about .
  65. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Noah… Noah, who?… Noah good joke about State?
  66. What do you buy a friend graduating from University of Hawaii Law School?… A lobotomy. (Hawaii Jokes)
  67. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know how to tell a good State knock-knock joke?
  68. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… June… June who?… June know any good State knock knock jokes? (June Jokes Spring Knock Knock Jokes)