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Career Blog

Google Search “Lawyer Jokes”

  1. It is in the news today that Florida is having its first remote trial via zoom… It looks like things will be settled out of court. (Lawyer Jokes)
  2. Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a Chatham Great White Shark for biting all his limbs off?… He didn’t have a leg to stand on! (Shark Jokes & Cape Cod Jokes)
  3. I’ve been told I have a Supreme Court figure… No appeal. (Constitution Jokes)
  4. Which month is most likely to commit perjury?… July (get it Ju LIE!) (July Jokes)
  5. Knock Knock… Who’s there?… July… July who?… July in court and you go to jail for perjury. (July Jokes)
  6. How do oil companies deal with with oil spills?… Slick lawyers. (Earth Day Jokes)
  7. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?… A law-botomy.
  8. Basketball sued Tennis for no reason… Now they have to go to court! (Tennis Jokes & Basketball Jokes)
  9. When is a Super Bowl football player like a judge?… When he sits on the bench. (Super Bowl Jokes)
  10. Birthday The Judge asks the defendant, “When is your birthday Mr. McKenzie?“ – “February 20th, Your Honor.” – “And what year?” – “Every year, Your Honor” (Birthday Jokes & Lawyer Jokes)
  11. Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes. By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'” “But why?” asked Mike. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied. (Super Bowl Jokes & Mailman Jokes)
  12. What’s the difference between O. J. Simpson and the losing Super Bowl team?… O. J. Simpson had a defense. (Super Bowl Jokes)
  13. If 2020 was a person I’d sue him for pain and suffering. (New Year’s Eve Jokes)
  14. A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti… So I put in a re-straining order. (Police Jokes & Spaghetti Jokes)
  15. Which month is most likely to commit perjury?… July (get it Ju LIE!) (July Jokes)
  16. If you blew up Mount Rushmore, what crime would you have committed?… Four counts of defacing a national monument. (Police Jokes & South Dakota Jokes)
  17. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?… A law-botomy. (Graduation Jokes)
  18. How did the jury find the hamburger?… Grill-ty as charred. (Police Jokes & Hamburger Jokes)
  19. What did the hamburger say when it pleaded not guilty?… I’ve been flamed! (Police Jokes & Hamburger Jokes)
  20. Lobster Lawyer: He goes up to the bartender and says: “Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I’m a lawyer.” “Blimey… A lobster lawyer? That is impressive,” says the bartender. The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document that looks to be at least 100 pages. He slides it to the bartender. “This is a legal contract that covers all the questions usually asked of me whenever I walk into a bar. I’ve just finished a pretty rough case and would like to get to drinking as soon as possible, so if we could skip over the usual jokes and just get through this without delay I’d be much obliged.” The bartender looks at the lobster carefully, but soon nods in agreement. “Fair enough, mate,” he says. “Let’s work through this.” The bartender flips over the cover page and starts reading aloud. “‘Point 1: I am a lobster of legal drinking age and you’ll find in Annex A a copy of my legally acceptable identification.’ Well, okay, no problems there. “‘Point 2: You can serve me more than water and are absolved of any misfortune that befalls me while drinking at your establishment.’ What’s your favourite drink?” “Vermouth, usually,” says The Lobster, “but I’m hoping for a few stiff glasses of whiskey tonight.” “Okay,” the bartender continues reading, “‘Point 3: We’ve established I am a lawyer, and therefore reasonably wealthy. This should assuage any fears you might have about my capability to settle my tab, but I am happy to pay up front if you have any concerns.'” The Lobster slaps a crisp $50 bill onto the bar. “Well alright then,” says the bartender. “There’s just one more point to read and agree to,” says The Lobster. The bartender raises an eyebrow, seeing that he’s still on page one and there are a considerable amount of pages left to read, and quickly flips through a number of the pages to confirm that there is, in fact, writing on every page. “Look,” he says, “before I read the rest, I have to ask: why the large clause?” The Lobster gives a little sigh. “Dunno,” he says. “I’m a lobster. I guess I’ve always had them.” (Lobster Jokes)
  21. How did the hotdog get the job despite having a criminal record?… It was a misde-wiener. (Police Jokes & Hot Dog Jokes)
  22. They brought the hot dog in for questioning… He gave the… wurst… answers! (Police Jokes & Hot Dog Jokes)
  23. What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?… Anecdoughtal evidence! (Donut Jokes)
  24. What did the shark plead in the murder case?… Not gill-ty! (Police Jokes & Shark Jokes)