Top 50 Divorce Jokes

by | Aug 18, 2023 | Dads, Education, Latest News, School Jokes

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(Divorce Jokes)

  1. Knock knock?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! We have the best jokes about divorce.
  2. What is the number one cause of divorce in America?… Marriage.
  3. Why did the polar bears get divorced?… One was bi-polar, and the other just wasn’t into that stuff.
  4. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you give me the name of a good lawyer? (Canoe Jokes)
  5. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you set me up with a friend. I just got divorced. (Canoe Jokes)
  6. A recent study has revealed that 58% of marriages end in misery… The other 42% end in divorce.
  7. Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Canoe… Canoe, who?… Canoe you teach me how to use a dating app. I just got divorced. (Canoe Jokes)
  8. A dentist and a manicurist decided to get divorced… They fought tooth and nail.
  9. A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce. It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle. (Donut Jokes)
  10. Why didn’t any of Luke Skywalker’s marriages last?… He always followed Obi-Wan’s advice: “Use divorce, Luke.” (Marriage Jokes & Divorce Jokes)
  11. What do you call Santa Clause after he gets divorced?… An independent Clause.
  12. Did you know they make a divorcee Barbie now?… She comes with all of Ken’s stuff. (Barbie Jokes)
  13. What did Yoda say to Princess Leia after separating with Han Solo?… May divorce be with you.
  14. I broke up with my wife on a ski trip… Our relationship was going downhill. (Divorce Jokes)
  15. See the new “recently divorced” Barbie doll you can now get?… She comes with Ken’s Corvette. (Divorce Jokes & Car Jokes)
  16. My wife divorced me because I’m a compulsive gambler… All I can think about is how to win her back!
  17. At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced… In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
  18. My wife and I recently divorced due to my terrible handwriting… Since then I’ve become an illegible bachelor.
  19. Get divorced if you’re broke… You’ll only be half broke after.
  20. Jedi’s make lousy spouses… They always threaten to use divorce.
  21. Why don’t horses ever get a divorce?… Because they’re in a stable relationship.
  22. Why are relationships similar to algebra?… Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
  23. Why did Barbie divorce Ken?… He kept toying with her emotions.
  24. If marriage is grand, what is divorce?… Ten grand!
  25. Why did the wife divorce the baker?… Because he was too kneady.
  26. A divorce court judge said to the husband, “I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.” “That’s very fair, your honor,” he replied. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
  27. When my ex wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, “Good job. Well done.” I wanted things to end on a positive note.
  28. The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order. I said, “Alphabetically or by age?”
  29. Why did the geologist’s wife leave him?… He took her for granite.
  30. An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way” (Marriage Jokes / Christmas Jokes / Divorce Jokes)
  31. What’s the only thing divorce proves?… Whose mother was right in the first place.
  32. My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars. I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.” (Star Wars Jokes)
  33. What did the nut tree say when his wife left him?… I walnut stand for this. (Tree Jokes)
  34. Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced… It’s as if they were polar opposites.
  35. Kids, your mother and I are getting divorced. She said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was kidding, but… Then I saw her face, now I’m a believer.
  36. Why did one melon divorce the other melon?… He didn’t know water problem was. (Watermelon Jokes)
  37. Did you all hear the one about a guy whose wife left him for a tractor salesman?… She gave him a John Deere letter!
  38. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows… They never get to keep the house.
  39. Getting a divorce is like getting fired from a job you’ve hated for years.
  40. Why is America happy on July 4th?… Because it got a divorce from Britain. (4th of July Jokes)
  41. Why is Obi-wan Kenobi a terrible marriage counselor?… The only advice he gives is Use di- vorce. (Divorce Jokes & Marriage Jokes)
  42. My ex-husband was very responsible… If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
  43. What does Obi-Wan think about Padme and Anakin’s relationship?… Di-vorce is strong with these two.
  44. Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing. He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence.
  45. My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid… But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
  46. My wife divorced me because I was bad at directions… Apparently, I didn’t notice when it all went south.
  47. My wife is furious that I don’t clean the coffee from the machine after I am done with it. Grounds for divorce.
  48. Getting a divorce is like getting a new phone…: You keep telling people how great it is and trying to convince everybody to get one too.
  49. Did you hear there’s a new Divorce Barbie?… It comes with all of Ken’s accessories. (Barbie Jokes)
  50. Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana… The judges have started issuing joint custody. (Colorado Jokes)