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Doctor Jokes

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  1. The nurse walked into the busy doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, the invisible man is here.” The doctor replied, “Sorry, I can’t see him.” (Biology Jokes for Kids & Halloween Jokes)
  2. What is it called when a hospital runs out of maternity nurses?… A mid-wife crisis! (Mother’s Day Jokes)
  3. Why did middle school nurse tip toe past the medicine cabinet? … She didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills. (Doctor Jokes & Napping Jokes)
  4. Why do nurses bring red magic markers into work?… In case they have to draw blood.
  5. The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.” The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband again asked “So what do you say to the others?” The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you. (Baby Jokes)
  6. Doctor to nurse, “How is the child who swallowed a few quarters doing?” Nurse, “No change.”
  7. Statistically 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.
  8. When I went to get my vaccinations the young nurse told me they were very nervous as it was their first time. I told them to give it their best shot.
  9. Patient to nurse, “Will I be able to play the guitar after this operation?” Nurse, “Yes, of course.” Patient “That’s great because I couldn’t before.” (Music Jokes)
  10. Doctor to a nurse, “Did you take this patient’s temperature?” Nurse, “No. Why is it missing?”
  11. What Do Transplant Nurses Hate?… Rejection
  12. What do you give a sick bird?… Tweetment. (Bird Jokes)
  13. I once heard a joke about amnesia but I forget how it goes.
  14. Why do Nurses make the best Jedi?… Because a Jedi must have patience. (Star Wars Jokes)
  15. “I can’t be your Valentine for medical reasons.”…“Really?”… “Yeah, you make me sick!” (Valentine’s Day Jokes)
  16. PMS joke are not funny. Period.
  17. The nurse taking my blood got annoyed when I told them they were bad at their job, I don’t understand why though, after all they did keep saying: ‘be negative’
  18. Did you hear the one about the germ?… Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.
  19. The nurse who can smile when things go wrong… Is probably going off duty.
  20. When is the worst time to have a heart attack?… During a game of charades.
  21. Phone call with nurse: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart! Nurse: “Is this her first child?” Me: “No, you idiot!, this is her husband!”
  22. I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight… to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care.
  23. Where does the Easter Bunny study medicine? … John HOPkins. (Easter Jokes)
  24. I don’t find medical puns funny anymore since I developed an irony deficiency. (Grammar Jokes)
  25. Where does a canoe go when it’s sick?… To the DOCK! (Canoe Jokes for Kids & Doctor Jokes for Kids)
  26. How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?… None. They just have a nursing student do it.
  27. What is the opposite of you’re out?… Urine. (Baseball Jokes)
  28. Patient to nurse, “I feel run down.” Nurse, “ What makes you say that?” Patient, “The tire marks across my legs.” (Car Jokes)
  29. Did you hear about the guy who had his entire left side cut off?… He’s all right now.
  30. Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctors?… He was feeling crummy. (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)
  31. Why did the leaf go to the doctor?… It was feeling green. (Earth Day & Tree Jokes)
  32. If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does an astronaut get?…Missile Toe! (Christmas Jokes / Christmas Trivia / Top 10 Sports Jokes)
  33. What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?… Claustrophobic. (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)
  34. I studied to become a nurse, but I didn’t have enough patients for the job. (Labor Jokes)
  35. What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?… A rash of good luck on St. Patrick’s Day. (St. Patrick’s Day Jokes)
  36. When does a nurse get mad?… When she / he runs out of patients!
  37. Why did the pillow go to the nurse?… He was feeling all stuffed up!
  38. Why did the nurse lose his / her temper?… Because he didn’t have any patients!
  39. Where does a boat go when it’s sick?… To the dock! (Summer Jokes for Kids)
  40. What do you get when you eat Christmas ornaments?…  Tinsel-itis! (Christmas Jokes Christmas Tree Jokes)
  41. If Jake has 30 chocolate bars, and eats 25, what does he have? Diabetes….. Jake has diabetes… (Candy Jokes)
  42. What did on tonsil say to the other tonsil?… Get dressed up, the nurse is helping the doctor is taking us out!
  43. What kept Avogadro in bed for two months?… Moleonucleosis. (Mole Day Jokes)
  44. What falls but never gets hurt?… The rain! (Spring Jokes)
  45. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?… He was feeling really crummy!
  46. Did you hear the news that a lot of applications just came in from people looking to pursue a career as the government’s top-ranking medical official?… Yes, there was a surge in general.
  47. What does a pig put on a cut?… Oinkment
  48. Why was Santa’s little helper sad?… He had low elf esteem! (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)
  49. Why did the donut go to the nurse?… Because it was feeling crummy! (Donut Jokes for Kids)
  50. What did the coffee addict say to his nurse?…I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it! (Doctor Jokes)
  51. What’s the opposite of coffee?… Sneezy. (Doctor Jokes)
  52. Where did the teacher send the Viking when he got sick in class?… To the school Norse! (Viking Jokes & Leif Erikson Day Jokes)
  53. Why did the computer go to the doctors?… It had a virus.
  54. What is the proper way to use a stress ball?… Throw it at the last person who made you mad.
  55. Why did the nurse go to art school?… So they could learn to draw blood.
  56. Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk quietly past the medicine cabinet?… So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
  57. Did you hear about the nurse who died and went to hell?… It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!
  58. What do you call two ITU nurses holding hands?… A synapse.
  59. What ‘s the difference between a nurse and a nun?… A nun only serves one God.
  60. After a bad cut, I asked the ER nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said, “Suture self.”
  61. A practical nurse is one who marries a rich, terminally ill patient.
  62. I was gonna have a baby at the hospital downtown but the week I was due, all the nurses quit their job and bought Corvettes. I guess they were having a midwife crisis.
  63. What did the nurse say to the patient who swallowed Scrabble tiles? Don’t worry, you’ll have a vowel movement soon.
  64. Did you hear about the maternal nurse who ran off with a doctor?… It was a midwife crisis.
  65. A nurse wakes up her patient and says “Wake up Mrs. Johnson. It’s time to take your sleeping pills”
  66. A nurse asked me recently, “Are you always this pale?” I told him, “Only on caucasian.”
  67. Sign on the lawn at a rehab center…. Keep off the grass.