Impeachment Jokes

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Ice Cream Flavors honoring Richard Nixon… ‘ImPeachments & Cream’ and ‘Watermelon-Gate.’ (Election Jokes & Ice Cream Jokes)
EVICTED FAMILY NEEDS HELP MOVING! MUST BE OUT BY JANUARY 20th! Please send any unneeded moving supplies to: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW Washington, DC 20500. (Presidents Day Jokes)
Andrew Johnson was the first US leader to ever be impeached… You could say it was unpresidented. (Presidents Day Jokes)
What will the American people say to President Trump if he gets impeached?… “You’re fired!” (Presidents Day Jokes)
What’s Joe doing until Trump is removed from office?… BIDEN his time. (January Jokes)
What do a Christmas tree and Donald Trump have in common?… Both will be out in January. (Christmas Tree Jokes & January Jokes)
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?… Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term. (Baby Jokes)
Alan Dershowitz privately counseled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump He said… “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”
On the night of his 2017 inauguration, Donald Trump was visited by 3 ghosts. Early in the night, FDR appeared. Trump asked him “How can I make America great again?” FDR replies, “think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets.” Trump’s face sours “FAKE NEWS!” he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls back to sleep. A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Trump asks “How can I make America great again?” Washington replies, “I would suggest you never tell a lie.” This infuriates Trump. He screams for his bodyguards but Washington is already gone. Around 3 in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks “How can I make America great again?” Lincoln thinks for a bit and says “go to the theater.” (Movie Jokes)
The scientific term for discarding a rotten orange: Impeachment
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy… Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
Donald J. Trump has been impeached… Finally, something he’s earned.
What is the funniest way you could end the greatest joke in United States history?… Impeachment.
Why is the word “impeach” so popular with Donald Trump’s presidency?… Lack of a better term.
Trump: I got impeached just for humiliating Hillary Bill Clinton: #metoo
Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?… Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.
President Trump just compared impeachment to being lynched. If you are expecting an apology he will leave you hanging.
I don’t understand why everyone is getting so excited about Trump’s impeachment… It’s not like it’s unpresidented. (Presidents Day Jokes)
I want to speak to President Trump: One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The old man said, “Okay”, and walked away… The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine repeated, “Sir, as I told you yesterday, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him and, again, just walked away… The third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying again, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you’ve been here asking to speak to Trump. I’ve told you each time that he’s no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you get it?” The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”… The Marine snapped to attention and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”
The Pope goes to Washington DC. He’s there to cure the sick, heal the masses, and all those Pope type things he does. Donald Trump comes up to him and says, “Please Your Holiness, can you help me with my hearing?” The Pope then placed his hands over Trump’s ears and blessed him. “Well that’s all well and good,” said Trump, “but my impeachment hearing’s not till next month.”
New president of a country is handed 3 envelopes by the previous leader. President of a country is handed 3 numbered envelopes by the previous leader. Previous leader says “If you screw anything up, then open one of the envelopes and it will tell you what to do.” Eventually, over time, the president screws some things up. Everyone gets mad at him and threatens to impeach him. So he opens the Envelope #1. It says “Blame everything on me, your predecessor.” So he does that and eventually is forgiven. But then, as time goes on, the president screws up again. He doesn’t know what to do. So he opens up Envelope #2. It says “Blame everything on me again.” So, in time, the people forgive him again. But then, as time goes on, the president screws things up yet a 3rd time. He doesn’t know what to do. Relieved that he still has one envelope left, he opens it up. It says “Prepare 3 envelopes.”
What instrument is played the most at the Impeachment Trial?… Trump-ets. (Music Jokes)
What happened to the government when the president was impeached for the 2nd time?… They found themselves in an unpresidented situation.
A country going through an impeachment… May be unpresidented.
Why does Trump go bananas on the media?… Because they are trying to orange his impeachment.
Question from non American. Why did you need to impeach Trump?… I mean he already is orange… is he not?
2/3 of all impeached presidents were done so for the same reason for embarrassing Hillary Clinton.
Is it a happy impeachment Or a merry impeachment?… I wouldn’t want to offend anyone.
What happened to the government when the president was impeached for the first time ever?… They found themselves in an unpresidented situation.
TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached… Now millions of people can breathe easier.
Trump will still be president of The United States after he is impeached… He’s having Rudy draw up the paperwork to form The United States Total Landscaping Co. as we speak!
What might Donald Trump need if he is impeached?… Presidentures!
Joe Biden is not my president!!… At least not till January which won’t come soon enough.
Trump hates the word impeach because he has said many times before Imorange
US Presidents have been impeached before, but Trump may be the first to be forcefully removed from office. To remove him would be unpresidented.
What is Chris Christie’s Favorite New Dessert?… Impeach Cobbler
If Donald Trump becomes president and keeps up his shenanigans, he could be the first president to be impeached. It would be an un-presidented event in American politics.
Donald Trump’s last words in office: “I’m not Orange, Impeached.”
Trump Hired Bill Clinton’s Impeachment lawyer! Just made me laugh more than many joke.
What is a south Koreans favorite fruit?… An impeach.

Inauguration Jokes

What’s Joe doing until January 20th?… BIDEN his time. (January Jokes)
What instrument was played the most at the 2017 Republican Presidential Inauguration?… Trump-ets. (Music Jokes)
I want to speak to President Trump: One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The old man said, “Okay”, and walked away… The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine repeated, “Sir, as I told you yesterday, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him and, again, just walked away… The third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying again, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you’ve been here asking to speak to Trump. I’ve told you each time that he’s no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you get it?” The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”,,, The Marine snapped to attention and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir!” (We have not political bias… se below.)
EVICTED FAMILY NEEDS HELP MOVING! MUST BE OUT BY JANUARY 20th! Please send any unneeded moving supplies to: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW Washington, DC 20500.
Why will Congress never impeach Hillary Clinton? Because she didn’t win the election.
How much does presidential impeachment insurance cost?Just one Pence
If you crossed a vegetable with our first president, what would you get… George Squashington. (Farming Jokes & American Revolution Jokes)
Joe Biden is not my president!!… At least not till January which won’t come soon enough.
The date is 20 January 2017. Donald Trump has just been sworn in as President. He walks to the mic for his inauguration speech. He looks at Obama and says “You’re Fired!” (Labor Day Jokes)
As soon as the 2017 inauguration is over, I’m getting a position on Trump’s ethics committee… I’m not political, I just need some quiet time alone.
I can see why evangelicals have backed Trump even through impeachment. All three of his marriages have lasted longer then his presidency.
Hey Homer, did you hear about the Impeachment? Mmmmm peach mint (drool noises)
Why was Abraham Lincoln never impeached? Because he is in-a-cent.
What might Joe Biden need for inauguration?… Presidentures!
Well, it’s Inauguration Day in America…. It’s gonna be a great mourning (for the losing party).
What do a Christmas tree and Donald Trump have in common?… Both will be out in January. (Christmas Tree Jokes & January Jokes)
On the night of his 2017 inauguration, Donald Trump was visited by 3 ghosts. Early in the night, FDR appeared. Trump asked him “How can I make America great again?” FDR replies, “think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets.” Trump’s face sours “FAKE NEWS!” he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls back to sleep. A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Trump asks “How can I make America great again?” Washington replies, “I would suggest you never tell a lie.” This infuriates Trump. He screams for his bodyguards but Washington is already gone. Around 3 in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks “How can I make America great again?” Lincoln thinks for a bit and says “go to the theater.” (Movie Jokes)
What do you eat after a presidential christmas dinner? Impeach cobbler
What did Paul Manafort say after hearing Trump might get impeached? I beg your pardon?
Why will Congress never impeach Hillary Clinton? Because she didn’t win the election.
Impeach… Hi Peach, I’m Dad.
I have to say after watching the impeachment voting… This has to be the most interesting season of the apprentice yet!
What is the most popular college for inauguration?… The Electoral College. (College Jokes)
Did you notice the difference between Trump’s inauguration and Obama’s?… Trump’s crowd paled in comparison.
It’s official Trump’s inauguration date is now a National Holiday… At least I assume so because the government shutdown for it.
What might Donald Trump need for inauguration?… Presidentures!
It just occurred to me Trump’s inauguration was cloudy… I guess the sun was another big star that refused to show. (Sun Jokes)
Trump’s inauguration had a low turnout… Still more than Hillary’s inauguration.
I really hopes Donald Trump won the 2020 Presidential Election… Best way to prevent COVID-19 spreading at the inauguration.
It wasn’t raining during Trump’s inauguration… It was just alternative sunshine.
Trump will still be president of The United States after January 20th… He’s having Rudy draw up the paperwork to form The United States Total Landscaping Co. as we speak!
Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be resigning as the President of Russia in January… He Putin his two month notice. (Labor Day Jokes)
Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?…. Because he couldn’t lie. (George Washington Quotes)
January 20, 2017… The day America expires.
Did Lincoln know that the North would win the Civil War?… After a while, he took it for Grant-ed! (Civil War Jokes)
What would you get if you crossed the first US president with an animated character?… George Washingtoon! (George Washington Quotes)
Trump has been Impeached Finally, I’m sick of him looking like an orange
Democrats have won the debates over the GOP for how the impeachment trial will proceed. Dems the rules
“You were able to escape the draft, Become President and now you’re trying to avoid impeachment. How?” “I ran”
Why did they call Lincoln “Honest Abe”?… Because that’s what it said on all his campaign buttons. (Civil War Jokes)
Was General Washington a handsome man?… Yes, he was George-eous!! (George Washington Quotes)
Obama’s no longer President January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: “I want to see President Obama.” Very patiently the guard says: “He’s not President anymore.” The old man quietly walks away. January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: “I want to see President Obama.” Same guard says: “He’s not President anymore.” The old man quietly walks away. January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: “I want to see President Obama.” Angrily the guard says: “I told you the last two days that he’s not President anymore.” The old man turns away and quietly says: “I just like hearing you say it.”
How did George Washington speak to during his 1st presidential Inauguration?…. In general terms. (Veterans Day Jokes & George Washington Quotes)
Was General Washington a handsome man at his Inauguration?… Yes, he was George-eous!! (George Washington Quotes)
What might an older president need for inauguration?… Presidentures
How did George Washington speak to his army?…. In general terms!
Did Lincoln know that the North would win the Civil War?… After a while, he took it for Grant-ed! (Civil War Jokes)
Beginning January 20th, 2017, the real joke will no longer be found in the comments. It’ll be found in the White House.
Why is Abraham Lincoln like a bloodhound tracking someone?…They’re both on the (s)cent! (Civil War Jokes)
What would you get if you crossed the sixteenth president with a famous slugger?…. Babe Lincoln (Civil War Jokes & Top Baseball Jokes)
What do you call George Washington’s false teeth?… Presidentures! (George Washington Quotes)
Teacher: “John, do you know Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address?” Student: “No, Miss Frump. I thought he lived in Washington!” (Civil War Jokes)
What US president had long legs, a beard, and an unusual smell?… Abraham Stinkin
What would you get if you crossed a gorilla with the sixteenth US president?…. Ape Lincoln!
Why was Abraham Lincoln barn in a log cabin?… Because it was too cold to be born outside! (Civil War Jokes)
Why did Abe Lincoln grow a beard?… He wanted to look like that guy on the five-dollar bill. (Civil War Jokes)
Why did Lincoln wear a tall, black hat?… To keep his head warm! (Civil War Jokes)

Top 10 Funny Statements by Presidents

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” Ronald Regan
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency — even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” Ronald Regan
“Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” Ronald Regan
“Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.” Ronald Regan
“I hope you’re all Republicans.” Ronald Regan speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt
“I just received the following wire from my generous Daddy: Dear Jack, Don’t buy a single vote more than is necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide.” John F. Kennedy, addressing complaints that his father’s money was buying the primary for him.
”My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” Jimmy Carter
“When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘present’ or ‘not guilty.’” Teddy Roosevelt
”In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.” John Adams
“Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.” Bill Clinton
“If I were two faced, would I be wearing this one?” Abraham Lincoln

Election Jokes

Someone just asked me, “Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?” I said, I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 vision.
What is the most popular college during election season?… The Electoral College. (College Jokes)
“Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.” Bill Clinton (Cemetery Jokes)
Which former president planted the most Christmas trees?… Wood-row Wilson! (Presidents’ Day Jokes & Christmas Tree Jokes)
Why was the delegation from the Dallas Dyslexic Republican Association turned away from the Republican National Convention?… Their placard read: ‘We love Taxes.’ (Texas Jokes)
What is something that describes both political talk at and filling up your plate at Thanksgiving?… Choosing sides. (Thanksgiving Jokes)
Great American Political Book Never Written: “How to Become President” by Paul O’Ticks. (Presidents’ Day Jokes / Election Jokes / Book Jokes)
Why can’t Donald Trump enter the White House?… It is now “For Biden!”
“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” Abraham Lincoln (Civil War Jokes)
“George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles.” Author Unknown
Give me a one-handed economist! All my economists say, “On the one hand …on the other.” Harry Truman
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” Ronald Reagan
I can’t believe they’re considering an all mail election… …females worked so hard to get voting rights! (Mailman Jokes)
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?” The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant. And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant. (World Geography Jokes)
A priest, a politician, and a clown, walk into the bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
How did George Washington speak during his 1st presidential campaign?…. In general terms.
“Don’t buy a single vote more than necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide.” Joseph P. Kennedy
What do you call George Washington’s false teeth?… Presidentures!
What do you call a Bee that tries to interfere with an election?… A Cagey Bee. (Bee Jokes & Election Jokes)
What would you call it if SpongeBob ran for governor?… A goobernatorial election.
What would you get if you crossed the sixteenth president with a famous slugger?…. Babe Lincoln (Baseball Jokes)
Who are voting for this election I’m voting for tricity so vote for tricity… Electricity!
Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?…. Because he couldn’t lie. (Napping Jokes)
It was so cold today… a Democrat had his hands in his own pockets! (Winter Jokes)
What’s the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?… On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
I say this next election we learn from our mistakes in the past and try to move forward to a brighter tomorrow. This election vote… Hindsight 2020.
Where do polar bears vote?… The North Poll! (World Geography Jokes / Bear Jokes / Christmas Jokes)
Did you hear the one about the Senator who won his election despite not having thumbs?… He ran unopposed.
Maine Political Campaign Slogan: “Let’s Keep the Maine Thing The Main Thing. (Maine Jokes)
Why did Bernie Sanders challenge his 49 vs 50% 2020 Democratic primary loss in Iowa?… I thought he didn’t care about the 1%? (Iowa Jokes)
What’s the difference between a presidential election and a NASCAR race?… In NASCAR they wear their sponsors on their shirts. (NASCAR Jokes)
What is Joe Biden’s favorite full moon?… The Hunter Moon. (Full Moon Jokes)
Why are all the unemployed in Palm Beach County, Florida sitting on the dock?… An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats. (Fishing Jokes & Florida Jokes)
Top 3 things Florida is famous for 1. old people. 2. “stand your ground” laws. 3. recounts! (Florida Jokes)
Teacher: “John, do you know Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address?” Student: “No. I thought he lived in Washington!” (Civil War Jokes)
Florida: We’re not sure who is dumber – the politicians or the voters. (Florida Jokes)
Why couldn’t Hillary Clinton keep up her US presidential campaign?… She was let down by a weak Constitution. (Constitution Jokes)
There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc… … because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron. (Mole Day Jokes)
Why did Ronald lose the election?… People thought his elect Ron campaign was too negative. (Chemistry Jokes & Mole Day Jokes)
The 2020 election results are in! Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians. (World Geography Jokes)
If Steve Jobs was still alive and a presidential candidate, he would have won the 2016 Election… But let’s not compare Apples to Oranges. (Apple Jokes)
What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?… Hair Force One! (Barber Jokes)
I’ve decided that I will not vote in the next election for the following reasons, please hear me out… I’m 14.
Why didn’t Melania Trump want to be the first lady?… Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
What is Donald Trump’s least favorite full moon?… The Hunter Moon. (Full Moon Jokes)
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?… All the red flags.
I’m nineteen and won’t vote in this upcoming election. Here’s why:… I’m Swedish.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?… It’s mole-itically incorrect! (Mole Day Jokes)
Did Lincoln know that the North would win the Civil War?… After a while, he took it for Grant-ed! (Civil War Jokes)
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?… Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.
A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything… except office.
Latest Fox News election poll shows Trump way ahead … … in all 87 states. (Top 50 State Jokes)
What would you get if you crossed a gorilla with the sixteenth US president?…. Ape Lincoln!
It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns… Last time I voted for a real estate agent.
Trump: “Foreign Policy?, if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee.”
Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote. Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn’t want to look suspicious. (Teacher Jokes)
Why is England the wettest country?… Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. (Rain Jokes)
What might an older candidate need if elected?… Presidentures! (Dentist Jokes & Presidents’ Day Jokes)
Why did the Three Stooges win the election?… They had Moementum!
What would you get if you crossed the first US president with an animated character?… George Washingtoon!
Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink. (Beer Jokes & Car Jokes)
“The problem with political jokes is they get elected.” Henry Cate, VII
“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.” (Baby Jokes)
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?… Your Honor. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?… Senator. (Lawyer Jokes)
What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?… Senator.
“Daddy,” a little girl asked her father, “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’? ” “No, sweetheart,” he answered. “Some begin with ‘If I am elected.’”
“I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.” Adlai Stevenson
“Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.” Author Unknown
What’s the only thing that can stop Donald Trump in the primary?… A Cruz missile.
When playing spades with The Donald, why did the dealer lose?… He handed Donald Trump! (Top Summer Camp Jokes)
Was General Washington a handsome man?… Yes, he was George-eous!!
If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
“Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.” George Carlin
“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” George Carlin
What US president had long legs, a beard, and an unusual smell?… Abraham Stinkin
“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” Winston Churchill
“Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.” Gore Vidal
“A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election,” remarked Bill Vaughan.
What is full moon Donald Trump is most critical of ?… The Hunter Moon. (Full Moon Jokes)
A lady who was known as Churchill’s main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, “Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?” Churchill sleepily replied, “No, ma’am. I do so purely by choice.” (Napping Jokes)
“A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.” Bill Vaughan
“If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it.” Mark Twain
“The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything.” Joseph Stalin
I don’t get people who try to predict the next US presidential election… I mean, do they think they have 2020 vision?
What is the difference between a politician and a snail?… One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.
“The oppressed are allowed once every few years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them.” Karl Marx
“There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen.” Author Unknown
“We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice.” Woody Allen
“If you put your politicians up for sale, as the US does … then someone will buy them — and it won’t be you; you can’t afford them.” Juan Cole
Why did they call Lincoln “Honest Abe”?… Because that’s what it said on all his campaign buttons.
Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?… Chairman Meow. (Cat Jokes)
Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal?… Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. (Fast Food Jokes)
We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.
Why was Abraham Lincoln born in a log cabin?… Because it was too cold to be born outside!
Why did Abe Lincoln grow a beard?… He wanted to look like that guy on the five-dollar bill
Why did Lincoln wear a tall, black hat?… To keep his head warm!
How do you know the economy is only getting worse?… On the latest episode of “Celebrity Apprentice,” Donald Trump fired himself!
I don’t always insult entire nations, but when I do it’s with Trumped-up charges.
What is the Beach Boys song “Kokomo” about?… All the places Donald Trump has bank accounts.
Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?… Because E.T. eventually went home!
What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common? …They both whine a lot!
Everybody needs to comb down.
Donald Trump wants to control the country even though he can’t control his hair.
Why is Abraham Lincoln like a bloodhound tracking someone?…They’re both on the (s)cent!
“If you put your politicians up for sale … then someone will buy them — and it won’t be you; you can’t afford them.” Juan Cole
“By the time a man gets to be presidential material, he’s been bought ten times over.” Gore Vidal
“When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.” J. O’Rourke
“In a society governed passively by free markets and free elections, organized greed always defeats disorganized democracy.” Matt Taibbi
“Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.” Isaac Asimov
“If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side.” Orson Scott Card
“A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation.” James Freeman Clarke
Donald Trump Jokes: How is Donald Trump going to create more jobs?… By paying them to cheer for him at his campaign events!
What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?… “Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door.”
Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican?… The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

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