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Google Search “Sailing Jokes”

  1. What happens to a sailboat in a category 5 hurricane?… Mast destruction. (Hurricane Jokes)
  2. Our sailing trip in Maine was going great… until we were capsized by Augusta wind. (Maine Jokes & August Jokes)
  3. A distress call comes in to Pierre at the Maine coast guard: “Mayday! Mayday. We’re 12 miles out on a capsized boat.” “No can do” Pierre said, “We’ve got all we can do searching for regular-sized boats.” (Coast Guard Jokes & Maine Jokes)
  4. Why was the skeleton always left out of the sailing trip?… Because he had no body to go with. (Funny Halloween Jokes & Skeleton Jokes)
  5. Friend #1: “Can you go pick up my boat? It’s at the dock.” Friend #2: Oh no! Is it sick? You should give it some vitamin sea. (Doctor jokes)
  6. Friend #1: Don’t these cheap yachts sink all the time.” Friend #2: “All the time? If it’s gonna sink, it’ll only be once!”
  7. Friend #1: My girlfriend just sailed to the Caribbean.” Friend #2: “Jamaica?” Friend #1: “Heck no! She’d been wanting to go for a long time.”
  8. What did the mummy coach say at the end of sailing practice?… “Let’s wrap this up!” (Funny Halloween Jokes & Mummy Jokes)
  9. When is a sailor like a judge?… When he sits on the bench. (Judge Jokes)
  10. When is it time to paint another coat on a pirate ship?… When its timbers be shivering!
  11. What would you get if you crossed a sailor and the Invisible Man?… Sailing like no one has ever seen.
  12. Why was Cinderella so bad at sailing?… Her coach was a pumpkin. (Cinderella Jokes)
  13. Why is a sailing race the coolest place to be?… Because it’s full of fans.
  14. Where do sailors go to get a new uniform?… New Jersey (New Jersey Jokes)
  15. Sailing pun: Don’t worry. Schooner or later, you’ll learn to sail!
  16. Did you hear about the sailor who wore two jackets when she painted the house?… The instructions on the can said: “Put on two coats.”
  17. What do you do with a drunker sailor?… Worry he’s gonna get wrecked!
  18. A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says: “Hey, did you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” “Aye, sir that it be, “says the pirate, “it’s driving me nuts!”
  19. At the sailing race, the blue sailboat hit the red one… They were marooned!
  20. Guy at the Marina: “So which of these boats is the one I won in the dice game?” “Yacht C,” the attendant says. “No. Craps!”
  21. Why do pirates have such a hard time remembering the alphabet?… They get lost at “C”.
  22. How do boats say hello to one another?… They wave!
  23. Pirate Awards Speech: “And I would like to thank me wife, me daughters, and last boat not least, my ship!’
  24. What do sailors get when they’re finally cured of writer’s block?… A tidal wave.
  25. I went to the Black Friday sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
  26. Why is the boat always getting great deals?… It loves a sail. 1
  27. How do you know when a boat is feeling affectionate?… When it hugs the shore!
  28. What’s the sailor’s favorite detergent?… Tide.
  29. What did they call the boat that refused to let profanity on?… Censor-ship.
  30. How do you rejuvenate an old boat?… Boat-tox.
  31. Where do zombies go sailing?… The Dead Sea.
  32. Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?… So that when the ships come back into port they can Scandinavian!
  33. A boat carrying red paint crashed into a boat carrying blue paint and the crew were marooned.
  34. A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!” The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.” The sailor replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.” The bartender says, “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?” “Fifty cents!” replied the sailor.
  35. A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch. The dockhand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.” “Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!” “Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dockhand. “I don’t HAVE one!” shouted the sailor. The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: “Well, why don’t you just find something that approximates a tie. That should be OK.” After some time, the sailor comes out with a pair of jumper cables. “This is all I could find to put around my neck,” he said. Sighing, the deck hand said: “OK, I’ll let you in with those, but just don’t start anything.”
  36. What do you call a sail with only two corners?… I haven’t got a clew!
  37. Sailor #1: “I hear fish is good brain food.” Sailor #2:“Yeah, I eat it all the time.” Sailor #1: “Well, there goes another theory!”
  38. A doctor, a dentist and a lawyer were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard. Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help. They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land. Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside. The dentist yelled, “It’s a miracle!” “No”, said the doctor, “That’s professional courtesy!”
  39. Tricky light change How many boaters does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because the right size bulb isn’t on board, the local marine-supply store doesn’t carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.
  40. A little wave Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. “What’s this?” asked the skipper, “It looks as if someone is drowning!” “No,” explained his crew, “It’s just a little wave.”
  41. A sailor and a pirate are in a bar recounting their adventures at sea. Seeing the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies: “We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.” “Blimey!” said the sailor . “And how’d you get the hook?” “Arrrr…”, mused the old salt, “I got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.” “Blimey!” remarked the sailor. “And how about the eye patch?” “Oh that,” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye.” “You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the questioner asked incredulously. “Well…” said the old sea dog, ” it was me first day with the hook.”
  42. New Crew Member: “Do yachts like this sink very often?” Skipper: “No, usually it’s only once.” T
  43. An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color … green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him. “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?” The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”
  44. A novice yachtsman got into trouble in heavy swell had to call the Coast Guard for help. “Mayday, mayday, mayday!” he yelled. “This is yacht Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, over.” “Corporate Junket, this is Solent Coastguard,” came the reply. “Can you give me your position sir, over.” “Solent Coastguard this is yacht Corporate Junket. I’m a director in a financial planning company, over.”
  45. “My wife has just sailed to the Caribbean.” “Jamaica?” “No, she wanted to.”
  46. An old captain and his first mate are reminiscing about their days on the Arctic convoys of World War II together. Captain: “All through those terrible, dark, storm wracked nights, you never once failed to bring me a steaming full mug of tea on the night watch. How on earth did you manage it without ever spilling a drop? First mate: “Well Sir, since you ask, I used to take a swig of your tea in the galley, then spit it back in the mug when I got to your door.”
  47. Why did the Pirate give his ship a coat of paint?… Its timbers were shivering.
  48. A pair of a novice sailors’ best mate died, and, in his will, specified that he wanted them to bury him at sea. So, the pair set out from shore in a rowboat with the body. They had rowed out a little way when one got out of the boat and stood knee deep in water. “We need to go out further,” he told the other. So they rowed out another fifty yards, and the same sailor jumped out again to find the water reached his chin. “We need to go out further,” he said again. About 150 yards from shore, he jumped out of the rowboat again and disappeared under water. After five minutes, he reappeared coughing and spluttering, and said to the other: “Thats far enough; hand me the shovel.”
  49. What do Sea Monsters love to eat?… Fish and Ships.
  50. A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat.” “Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. What’d you do with the ship?”