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January 1st: (New Year’s Day Jokes)
- What did the triple jumper say to the track & field team on January 1st?… Hoppy New Year (365 Sports Jokes & Top Track & Field Jokes)
- What song does a vampire sing on New Year’s Eve?… Auld FANG Syne
- What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve?… I haven’t seen you for a year!
- What does the Easter Bunny say on New Year’s Day?…. Hoppy New Year! (Top Easter Jokes)
- What do you call always having a date for New Year’s Eve?… Social Security.
- Are you ready for the most famous countdown of the whole world? New Years is coming! And 10, 9, 8, …. 3, 2, 1…. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
New Years Eve One Liners
- A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
- May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.
January 4th: National Spaghetti Day Jokes
- What do you call a fake noodle?… An impasta.
- Where did the spaghetti go to dance?… The meat ball!
- Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?… He pasta way.
- What do Italians eat on halloween?… Fetuccini A-fraid-o (Top Halloween Jokes)
- What do you call a pasta that is sick?… Mac and sneeze. (Top Winter Jokes)
- What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say before eating pasta? PASTA LA VISTA BABY.
- What does an Irishman get after eating Italian lasagna?… Gaelic breath! (St. Patrick’s Day Jokes)
- What would you get if you crossed pasta with a snake?… Spaghetti that wraps itself around a fork
- What is the dress code at a pasta convention?… Bowtie
- My sister bet me a $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
January 5th: National Bird Day Jokes
- What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?… Owlgebra! (101 Pi Day Jokes & Algebra Jokes)
- What do you give a sick bird?… Tweetment.
- What do you call a chicken in the 1960’s?… A funky chicken. (Top U.S. History Jokes)
- Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?… So he could grade his eggs. (365 School Jokes)
- Why do seagulls fly over the sea?… Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls! (Top Geography Jokes)
- When should you buy a bird?… When it’s going cheep!
- What do you call a parrot that flew away?… A polygon! (101 Pi Day Jokes & Geometry Jokes)
- What do you call a sad bird?… A bluebird!
- What does a cat call a hummingbird?… Fast food. (Fast Food Jokes)
- Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?… He wanted to make a long distance caw.
January 11th: National Milk Day Jokes
- Why don’t cows have any money?… Because farmers milk them dry.
- What did mama cow say to baby cow?… It’s pasture bedtime. (Mother’s Day Jokes)
- Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon?… The farmer had cold hands. (Full Moon Jokes)
- Why did the cow cross the road?… To get to the udder side.
- How easy is it to milk a cow?… It’s a piece of steak.
January 15th: National Hat Day Jokes
- What did the hat say to the tie?… “You hang around here…I’ll go on a head.”
- “I just bought a new hat”… “Fedora?”… “No, for me.”
- I’m not saying that my friend doesn’t think deeply, but usually the only thing on his mind is his hat.
- Who wears the biggest hat in the army?… The one with the biggest head.
- A friend always wears a nun’s outfit and hat when he’s out. It’s just a habit that he has.
- Barbers. You have to take your hat off to them.
- What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?… Tyrannosaurus Tex.
- Spotted a chap playing tennis in a hat the other day. Think it was Roger Fedora. (Top Tennis Jokes)
January 18th: Winnie the Pooh Jokes
- What’s Winnie’s favorite bird?… Christopher Robin. (Bird Jokes)
- What did Winnie-the-Pooh say to Jerry Maguire?… “Show me the Honey!” (Bee Jokes)
- What does Winnie-the-Pooh and Jabba the Hutt have in common?… The same middle name. (Star Wars Jokes)
- What does Pooh wear to bed?… POOH-jamas
- What did Winnie-the-Pooh say when he was offered dessert?… “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
- What does Pooh walk on?… His bear feet. (Walking Jokes)
- What do you get when you cross a Pooh with a honey jar?… A very sticky situation!
- What do you get if you steal Winnie-the-Pooh’s honey?… A nice clear table.
- What does Winnie-the-Pooh have in common with his pots of honey?… They are both round.
- Why is Pooh so sweet?… He eats lots of honey!
January 19th: National Popcorn Day Jokes
- Why aren’t there many jokes about popcorn?… Because they are corny.
- Did you hear about the popcorn that joined the army?… They made him a kernel. (Veterans’ Day Jokes)
- What did the baby corn say to momma corn?… Where is pop corn? (Mother’s Day Jokes & Father’s Day Jokes)
- How much do pirates charge for corn on the cob?… A buck-an-ear. (Top Pirate Jokes)
- What is a popcorn’s favorite type of music?… POP
- What do you call a popcorn’s favorite flower?… Poppies.
- Why is popcorn way better than a movie?… Because they are just so much butter.
- Knock knock… Who’s there?… Papa… Papa who?… Papapapapapapapa popcorn.
- What do you call a “corny” metal band?… PopKORN!
- Why didn’t the kernel leave the popper?… He was cornfused. (Top Psychology Jokes)
January 23rd: National Pie Day Jokes
- What’s the best thing to put into a pie?… Your teeth!
- Why did the pie go to a dentist?… Because he needed a filling!
- Where does Dorothy from OZ weigh a pie?… Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh-a-pie!
- What did the cherry say to the cherry pie?… “You’ve got some crust.”
- What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?… Puff pastry
- Why did the pie cross the road?… She was meat an potato.
- What do you call a fantasy adventure movie about baked goods and a Bengal tiger?… Life of Pie.
- What is a ghost’s favorite dessert?… Boo-Berry pie with I-scream! (Halloween Jokes & Friday the 13th Jokes)
- What is a math teacher’s favorite dessert?… Pi! (Find a U.S. math teacher who tutors!)
- What is the ideal number of pieces to cut a pie into?… 3.14. (101 Pi Day Jokes)
January 24th: National Peanut Butter Day Jokes
- Where do peanut drivers go to fill their tanks?… The Shell station!
- Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter?… I’m nut telling you. You might spread it!
- Why did the swimmers put peanut butter into the sea?… To go with the jellyfish!
- Two peanuts were walking down a road… One was a salted (assaulted)
- What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit?… An astro-nut!
- What kind of socks do you need to plant peanuts?… Garden hose!
- Where did the peanuts go to have a few drinks?… The Snack Bar!
- How do you catch an elephant?… Hide in the grass and make a sound like a peanut!
- What did the peanut say to the elephant?… Nothing, peanuts can’t talk.
- Why did the peanuts run across the busy road?… Because they were nuts!
January 29th National Croissant Day
- Why are croissant jokes always funny?…… Because they never get mold!
- What did the bag of flour say to the croissant?…… “I saw you yeasterday”
- Why don’t croissants like warm weather?…… Things get Toasty! (Summer Jokes)
- Why do bakers give women on special occasions?…… Flours! (Valentine’s Day Jokes)
- What do the croissant say to the chicken?…… LETS GET BREADDDDYYY TO CRUMMBBLLEEEEE