- Knock, knock?… Who is there?… August… August Who?… A gust of wind over 74 MPH could be the start of a hurricane! (Hurricane Jokes)
- Knock, knock?… Who is there?… August… August Who?… A gust of wind knocked me over!
- Knock, knock?… Who is there?… August… August Who?… A gusta go to the bathroom before we go!
- Teacher: Everybody hand in your homework, please. Students: Teacher, it’s the first day of school. We didn’t have any homework. Teacher: That’s right, and that’s the last excuse for not doing your homework that I’ll accept for the rest of the year.
- Student: The first day of school is always special to me. It’s the only day of the year when I’m not behind in my homework.
- Mother: How did you find school on the 1st day today? Daughter: I just got off the bus and there it was!
- A book never written: “When Does School Start?” by Wendy Belrings.
The first day of school is exciting, but so is riding a roller coaster, and I wouldn’t want to do that for nine months in a row either.
- Teacher: What would happen if you took the school bus home? Student: The police would make you bring it back!
- Teacher: What’s big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mother’s day? Student: The school bus!
- Knock Knock… Who’s there!… B-4!… B-4 who?… B-4 you go to school, do your homework!
- Teacher: I see you missed the first day of school. Student: Yes, but I didn’t miss it much.
- The first day of school wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t followed by the second day of school, and the third day of school, and then the fourth day of school.
- Knock Knock!… Who’s there?… Dewey….Dewey who?… Dewey have to go to school today?
- Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Gladys… Gladys, who?… Gladys the 1st day of school — no homework!
- Knock Knock… Who’s there!… B-2! B-2 who?…. B-2 school on time!
- What kind of tree does a math teacher climb?… Geometry. (Top Math Jokes)
- Why is 6 afraid of 7?… Because 7 8 (ate) 9! (Top Math Jokes)
- Son: Today my teacher yelled at me for something I didn’t do. Mom: What was that? Son: My homework!
- Son: I’m not going back to school ever again! Mother: Why not? Son: The teacher doesn’t know a thing, all she does is ask questions!
- What school supply is always tired?… A knapsack!
What is white when it’s dirty and black when it’s clean?… A blackboard!
- Son: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today! Mom: That’s great. What in? Son: A 40 in Reading and a 60 in Spelling.
- Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with “t.” Student: Today and Tomorrow.
- Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class? Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!
- Why was school easier for cave people?…. Because there was no history to study! (Top Social Studies Jokes)
- What’s the king of all school supplies?… The ruler.
- WATSON: What school did you go to, Holmes? SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson! (Top Elementary School Jokes)
- What kind of school do you go to if you’re an ice cream man?… Sundae school.
- What kind of school do you go to if you’re a giant?… High school.
- What kind of school do you go to if you’re a surfer?… Boarding school.
- What kind of school do you go to if you’re King Arthur?… Knight school.
- Mother: Does your teacher like you? Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X’s on my test paper!
- A book never written: “The Best Subject in School” by Jim Class.
- Mother: How do you like your new teacher? Son: I don’t. She told me to sit up front for the present and then she didn’t give me one!
- A math book never written: “High School Math” by Cal Q. Luss. (Top Math Jokes)
- Teacher: I’m your teacher this year. My name is Mr. Wilson. Can you all remember that? Student: If we can’t, we’re going to have one hard time with the 9 times tables. (Top Math Jokes)
- Why did the M&M go to school?… Because he really wanted to be a Smartie!
- Teacher: I’ve had to send you to the principal every day this week. What do you have to say for yourself? Student: I’m glad it’s Friday!
- Friend: Our teacher is going to be tough this year. We’ve been instructed to say “Yes, Sir” and “No, Sir.” Other Friend: That’s not unusual. Friend: It is when your teacher’s a woman.
- What are you going to be when you get out of school?… An old man!
- Teacher: Goodness, haven’t you finished washing that blackboard yet? You’ve been at it for an hour. Student: I know, but the more I wash it, the blacker it get.
- Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses on the 1st day of school?… She had bright students! (Top Summer Jokes)
- Why did the broom get a poor grade in school?… Because it was always sweeping during class!
- Student: Teacher, I don’t have a pencil. Teacher: I want you to write 100 times, “I will come to school prepared.” Student: With what?
- Chemistry Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water? Student: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Chemistry Teacher: What are you talking about? Student: Yesterday you said it was H to O. (Top Chemistry Jokes)
- Why did the little vampires stay up all night?… They were studying for a blood test. (Top Halloween Jokes)
- Mother: What did you learn in school today? Son: How to write. Mother: What did you write? Son: I don’t know. They haven’t taught us how to read yet!
- How do bees get to school?… By school buzz!
- Teacher: Where is your homework? Student: I ate it. Teacher: Why? Student: You said it was a piece of cake!
- What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?… A teacher says, “Spit out that gum!” and a train says, “Chew! Chew!”
- What is the first thing a little snake learns in school?… Hiss tory. (Top Social Studies Jokes)
- Teacher: Name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. Student: Me! (Top Elementary School Jokes)
- What has given Mr. Bubbles nightmares since elementary school?… Pop quizzes! (Top Elementary School Jokes)
- Teacher: I’ll be teaching you English this year and there are two words that I will not permit on any of your writing assignments. One is “cool” and the other is “lousy.” Student: Okay, what are the words?
- Mom: What did you do at school today? Daughter: We did a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam. Daughter: That’s right!
- What do little astronauts get when they do their homework?… Gold stars.
- Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday? Student: Seven. Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday? Student: Nine. Teacher: That’s impossible! STUDENT: No, it isn’t, teacher. I’m eight today.
- Mother: What did you learn during your 1st day of school today? Son: Not enough; I have to go back tomorrow!
- Student: Teacher, I don’t have a pencil. Teacher: How can you come to school without a pencil? Student: I took the bus.
- Teachers always seem happy on the first day of school. That’s because they’re getting paid to be there. We kids have to do it for free.
- Teacher: Name six wild animals. Student: Two lions and four tigers.
- Where do monsters study? In ghoul school. (Top Halloween Jokes)
- Who sits in front of the class in ghoul school?… The creature teacher. (Top Halloween Jokes)
- Student: “Teacher, may I leave the room?” Teacher: “Well, you certainly can’t take it with you.”
- Teacher: Do you know “London Bridge Is Falling Down?” Student: No, but I hope no one gets hurt.
- Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning? Student: About an hour and a half after I arrived at school.
- Teacher: Why did you eat your homework, Joe? Student: Because I don’t have a dog.
- A student came into his kindergarten class with a squirming worm. “What are you doing with that disgusting worm?” asked his teacher.
“We were playing outside and I thought I’d show him my kindergarten.” the student replied.
- Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day? Student: I get up early.
- Teacher: I’ll be your teacher this year. Does anybody here know my name? Student: How do you like that? It’s only the first day of school and already we’re having a quiz.
- With tears in his eyes, the little boy told his kindergarten teacher that only one pair of boots was left in the classroom and they weren’t his. The teacher searched and searched, but she couldn’t find any other boots. “Are you sure these boots aren’t yours?” she asked. “I’m sure,” the little boy sobbed. “Mine had snow on them.”
- It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him into the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. “Now,” he said, “are there any questions?” One girl stood up timidly. “Please, sir,” she asked, “may we have our teacher back?”
- Why do magicians do so well in school?… They’re good at trick questions.
- What is the difference between a school bus driver and a cold?… One knows the roads and one stops the nose!
- Teacher: Name four members of the cat family. Student: Mother, father, sister and brother.
- Son: I won a prize in kindergarten today. The teacher asked me how many legs a hippopotamus had. I said three. Father: Three? How on earth did you win the prize? Son: I came the closest.
- Teacher: If this class doesn’t stop making so much noise I’ll go crazy? Class: Too late, we haven’t made a sound for an hour!
- I show up at the beginning of each school year with a full pencil box and an empty head.
- Mother: How was your first day at school? Son: It was all right except for some man called “Teacher” who kept spoiling all our fun!
- Son: I’m not going back to school tomorrow! Father: Why not? Son: Well I’ve been there a whole day, I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk, so what’s the use?
- What’s yellow, has wheels and lies on its back?… A dead school bus!
- One of my classmates gets carried away. He shows up for the first day of school each year with a smiling face and three pack mules of school supplies.
- Son to mother after 1st day of school. “Nothing exciting happened except the teacher didn’t know how to spell cat, so I told her.”
- Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon.
- Mother: Now these new clothes are expensive. I don’t want you coming home from school that first week with a hole in the knee. Son: Okay, Mom, where would you like the hole?
- I don’t know how my Mom does it, but she even buys shoelaces that are out of style.
- Friend: My teacher this year is Mrs. Wright. They say she rules the first grade with an iron fist. Other Friend: I believe it. That’s the way she plays the piano at school assemblies.
- Mother: I want to help you pick out your new school outfits because I want you to buy clothes that last. Son: Mom, the clothes you pick out will last forever because I’m never going to wear them.
- What is the first thing a little gorilla learns in school?… The Ape B C’s.
- Some kids enjoy buying school supplies. To me, it’s like buying your own dental instruments.
- Mother: What’s wrong with the new clothes I bought you? They’re indestructible. Son: So is a Sherman tank, Mom, but I wouldn’t wear it to school.
- Moms like to buy “sensible” clothing. That’s the kind that they only sell in the “Junior Nerd” department.
- I buy pencils with an eraser at both ends. That’s so I can make sure I don’t make the same mistake twice.
- I love school supplies. If only there were some other place we could use them besides school.
- Mother: Now those are the kinds of clothes I wish I could have worn when I was in school. Daughter: They were probably in style back then.
- My grandparents buy me so many school supplies for the first day of school that I have to take the first two weeks off just to sharpen pencils.
- There’s one good thing about the first day of school. When it’s over; you’re one day closer to the last day of school.
- Mother: There now, young man, I think that outfit is absolutely perfect. Son: Mom, it’s the first day of school; not a Pee Wee Herman look alike contest.
- Show me a kid who likes the first day at school and I’ll show you a kid who likes to get his lip caught under a manhole cover.
August is National Catfish Month
August is Romance Awareness Month
August is Foot Health Month
August 1 is…National Raspberry Cream Pie Day
August 3 is…National Watermelon Day
August 4 is…Twins Day Festival
August 6 is…Wiggle Your Toes Day
August 7 is…Sea Serpent Day
August 8 is…Sneak Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
August 10 is…Lazy Day
August 12 is…Middle Child’s Day
August 13 is…Blame Someone Else Day
August 15 is…National Relaxation Day & National Failures Day
August 18 is…Bad Poetry Day
August 25 is…Kiss-And-Make-Up Day
August 28 is…World Sauntering Day
August 30 is…National Toasted Marshmallow Day
August 31 is…National Trail Mix Day