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My Town Tutors loves a good laugh. Over the years we have acquired many jokes. Hopefully you find them useful and can have some fun with them.

  1. Knock knockout?…Who is there?…Boo… Boo Who?… Don’t cry! There are 179 more jokes.
  2. What do you find in an empty nose?…fingerprints
  3. Why are bananas good at gymnastics… They do great banana splits!
  4. Why won’t the elephant use the computer?….He’s afraid of the mouse!
  5. What do you call a sleeping cow?… a bulldozer!
  6. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?….Patty
  7. What did the square say to the old circle?… Been around long?
  8. What kind of hats do they where at the North Pole?….Ice Caps
  9. What kind of snack do you have during a scary movie?…. I scream (ice cream)
  10. What is a cat’s favorite dessert?….Pie a la meow’d!!!
  11. Why is music like a fish?…. they both have scales!
  12. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?…. a walkie-talkie
  13. What happens when you wear a snowsuit inside?…… It melts!
  14. Did you hear about the dog at the flea circus? …He stole the show!
  15. What does an envelope say when you lick it?…Nothing. It just shuts up.
  16. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?…It waves!
  17. Which are the stronger days of the week?…Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
  18. Which runs faster, hot or cold?…Hot. Everyone can catch a cold.
  19. What did the flower say to the bike?…Petal!
  20. Did people laugh when the lady fell on the ice?…No, but the ice cracked up.
  21. Knock knockout?…  Who is there?,,Daisy…Daisy who?…Daisy plays, nights he sleeps!
  22. How do athletes stay cool during a game?…They sit near the fans!
  23. What did the older chimney say to the younger chimney?…You’re too little to smoke!
  24. What did the stamp say to the envelope?…Stick with me we’ll go places!
  25. What do you call a cow with no legs?…Ground beef.
  26. How do you make a tissue dance?…Put a little boogey in it!
  27. What did the water say to the boat?…Nothing, it just waved.
  28. Why don’t skeletons fight each other?…They don’t have the guts.
  29. Did you hear about the kidnapping?…Probably not, he is still sleeping.
  30. How do small children travel?…In mini-vans
  31. What has hands but does not clap….A clock!
  32. How do you make an egg roll?….You push it.
  33. What did the math book tell the pencil?….I have a lot of problems.
  34. How do billboards talk?….Sign language!
  35. What kind of chain is edible?….A food chain!
  36. How do hens stay fit?….The “egg-ercise”
  37. What kind of cat likes water?….an octopuss!
  38. What did the bunny say on January 1st?….Hoppy new year!
  39. What do a chicken and a band have in common?….They both have drum sticks!
  40. Why did the tomato turn red?….It saw the salad dressing!
  41. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?….It let out a little wine!
  42. Where did the spaghetti go to dance?….The Meat Ball!
  43. When is a door like a bottle?….When the door is ajar.
  44. What is the best thing to put into a pie?….A fork!
  45. What does a pig put on a cut?….Oinkment
  46. What do call of people afraid of Santa Claus?….Claustrophobic
  47. What did the father buffalo say to his son?….Bye son (bison)
  48. What is a pilot’s favorite type of donut?….A plain (plane) donut!
  49. Why is it so hot in a football stadium after a game?….All the fans have left!
  50. Why is a lost Dalmatian easily found?….Because he is always spotted!
  51. Did you hear the joke about the cookie?….It is crummy.
  52. What is a cat’s favorite color?….PUUUUURple
  53. Did you hear the joke about the construction project?….I’m still working on it!
  54. Where do you put smart hot dogs?….On honor rolls!
  55. What goes tick-tock, woof-woof?….A watchdog!
  56. What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date?….Shore.
  57. How do you get a peanut to laugh?….you crack it up!
  58. Why did the farmer bury all his money?….to make his soil rich!
  59. Where can you find an ocean without water?….on a map!
  60. Why do shoemakers go to heaven?….Because they have good soles!
  61. What do you call it when a cat sues another cat?   … A Claw suit.
  62. Where do actors like to camp? ……The Hollywoods!
  63. Why do fish swim in salt water?….Pepper makes them sneeze.
  64. What is a robot’s favorite snack?….Computer chips!
  65. What do you call a fish with two knees?….A two nee fish!
  66. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?….Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bay gulls (bagels)!
  67. Why did the boy stare at the automobile’s radio?….He wanted to watch a car-tune.
  68. When is a theater clumsy?….When the curtain falls.
  69. Why was the annoying exterminator fired?….Because he bugged his boss.
  70. How did the soldier fit his tank in his house?…It was a fish tank!
  71. Why was the book in the hospital?…Because it hurt his spine.
  72. What did the leaves name their sons?…Russell.
  73. Why did the man throw a clock out the window?…He wanted time to fly.
  74. What is a rapper’s favorite toy?…a yo – YO!
  75. Have you heard of the singing group the three dwarves?…Probably not. They are not that big.
  76. What has  wheels and flies?…a garbage truck!
  77. Where do cows go on dates?…MOOOOvies
  78. Why was the trashcan sad?…He / she was dumped.
  79. What do you call a bear with no teeth?…a Gummy bear
  80. Why did the cookie cry?…He was feeling crumby.
  81. Why did the computer go to the doctors?…It had a virus.
  82. Why do birds fly south in the winter?…Because it’s too far to walk!
  83. What is a snake’s favorite class?…Hissss-tory!
  84. What do you call a cow with no feet?…Ground beef!
  85. What kind of pants do ghosts wear?…Boo jeans!
  86. What do prisoners use to call each other?…Cell phones.
  87. What do you get from a pampered cow?…Spoiled milk.
  88. What dog keeps the best time?…A watchdog.
  89. What did the dentist give to the marching band?…A TUBA toothpaste
  90. What did the bottle of dressing say to the person who opened the refrigerator door?…“SHUT THE DOOR!” I’m dressing!
  91. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?…Dam!
  92. Why is a traffic light red?…You would be red too if you were changing in front of people all day.
  93. What is a pirate’s favorite letter?…RRRRR
  94. Why does the pirate wear camouflage underwear?… To hide his booty!
  95. Did I tell you the joke about the ceiling?…Oh forget it. It’s over your head.
  96. What room is a dead man most afraid of?…The living room!
  97. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?…He had NO BODY to go with.
  98. What did the ocean say to the other ocean?…Nothing. He waved.
  99. Two wrongs don’t make a right. But what do two WRIGHTS make?…A plane (Orville and Wilbur WRIGHT)!
  100. Why was the strawberry sad?…His mother got into a JAM!
  101. What do you call cheese that is not yours?…NACHO cheese!
  102. When is the best time to go to the dentist?…2:30 (Tooth Hurty)!
  103. What did one cannibal say to other after eating a clown?…Hey! Does this taste FUNNY to you?
  104. What did one lamp say to the other lamp?…Hey! You turn me on!
  105. Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?…The wedding ceremony wasn’t too good, but the reception was great!
  106. What did the man say when he walked into the bar?…Ouch!
  107. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?… He’s all right now.
  108. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?…They’re trying to get away from the noise.
  109. What does a skeleton order when he goes to a bar?…A beer and a mop.
  110. Where do fish put their money?….. in a river bank!
  111. What is the favorite TV show of fish?…Name that TUNA!
  112. What did one penny say to the other penny?…Let’s get together and make some (sense) cents!
  113. How much did it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears? … a buck an ear (a buccaneer)!
  114. Why did the skeleton go to the piano store?…To buy some organs!
  115. What section of the paper does a ghost always read?…the HORRORscopes
  116. Why did the skeleton hold up the barbecue?…He needed a spare rib.
  117. What did one eye say to the other eye?….Something between us smells!
  118. What do you call a cow that walks on water?…Holy cow!
  119. What is a witch’s favorite class?…Spelling
  120. Why did the lettuce beat the carrot in a race?…Because it was a head!
  121. What do you call a deer with no eyes?…No-Eye Deer.
  122. What do you call a deer with no eyes AND no legs…Still, no eyed deer!
  123. What did zero (0) say to eight (8)?…Nice belt
  124. Why is six afraid of seven?… Because  7 ATE 9
  125. What do you get you drip a piano down a mineshaft?… A flat minor
  126. What did one math book say to the other?…You think you’ve got problems.
  127. What did one plate say to the other plate?…Lunch (dinner, or breakfast) is on me!
  128. Where does Santa keep his money?…In a snow bank!
  129. What did one wall say to the other?… Hey, let’s meet in the corner.
  130. What is a knight’s favorite fish?… swordfish
  131. Why are fish so smart?… They travel in schools!
  132. What did the picture say to the wall?… I was framed!
  133. Why do fish swim in salt water?… Pepper makes them sneeze.
  134. What is a robot’s favorite snack? … Computer chips!
  135. Knock knockout?…Who is there?…Daisy… Daisy who?… Daisy plays, nights he sleeps!
  136. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? … A nervous wreck.
  137. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? … He wanted cold hard cash!
  138. What is a construction workers favorite bird? … A crane!
  139. If two is a pair and three is a crowd, what are four and five? … Nine!
  140. Why did the turtle cross the road? … To get to the “Shell” (gas) stations!
  141. Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? … Because he’s always a little short.
  142. Knock knockout?…Who is there?…Irish…Irish who? … Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
  143. When does “B” come after “U”? … When you disturb its hive.
  144. What is a frog’s favorite drink? … “croak – a – cola”
  145. Have you heard the joke about the baseball? … It’ll leave you in stitches.
  146. If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring? … Pilgrims
  147. What did one candle say to the other candle? … Are you going out tonight?
  148. What did the blanket say to the bed? … Don’t worry. I got you covered.
  149. Why did Silly Bill tip toe past the medicine cabinet? … He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.
  150. What is a pokemon’s favorite dance? … The hokey pokemon
  151. What bird can write under water? … A ball-point “pen” quin
  152. Have you heard the joke about the sidewalk? … It’ll crack you up!
  153. Knock, knock…Who’s there?…Dwayne…Dwayne who? … Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning!
  154. Why did the turkey cross the road? … To prove it wasn’t chicken.
  155. Knock, knock…Who’s there?…No body… (Don’t say anything)!
  156. What kind of witch likes the beach? …  a SAND witch (sandwich)!
  157. What do you get if you say “Tornado” ten times backward and forward? … A real tongue-twister!
  158. Did you hear the one about the duck who robbed banks? … He was a safe quacker.
  159. What kind of key does not open a lock? … a mon – KEY!
  160. Why is your nose in the middle of your face? … Because it is the “scenter.” / Center!
  161. How do you make a Venetian blind? … Poke him in the eye.
  162. What do you call a bird that is sad? … A Blue Bird!
  163. What do you call a fish with no I’s? … A Fssssssh!
  164. Why did the baseball player get arrested? … Because he stole second base
  165. What was the baby ant so confused? … Because all his uncles were ANTS!
  166. Why was the dolphin so sad? … Because he had no PORPOISE in life!
  167. What happened when the frog parked illegally? … It was TOAD!!
  168. What always falls and never gets hurt?……..rain!
  169. I heard they put a new wing on the school….That is true, but it still won’t fly.
  170. What do astronauts have for dinner?…Launch meat!
  171. What letters are not in the alphabet?…The ones in the mail.
  172. Knock Knock!…Who’s there?…Cargo!…Cargo who?…CarGo Beep Beep!
  173. What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears?… anything you want, it can’t hear you!
  174. What is the only bow that you can’t tie?…Rainbow!
  175. Knock Knock. Who’s there?…Dishes….Dishes who?…Dishes the police, come out with your hands up!!
  176. What is the loudest state?… ILL-I-NOISE
  177. Knock knock…who’s there?…little boy…little boy who?…little boy who can’t reach the doorbell!
  178. Why did the boy throw the butter out the window?… to see a butterfly!
  179. How was that Camping Trip?…Intense (in-tents)!
  180. Why are Teddy Bears never hungry?…Because they are always stuffed!

Special Editions:
20 Thanksgiving Jokes
36 Christmas Jokes
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