101 Psychology Jokes

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? (Pavlov’s Dog Experiment: Amazing Nobel Prize Psychology Lesson!)
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother. (Mother’s Day Jokes)
Why was Pavlov’s Hair so soft?… Classical conditioning. (Barber Jokes)
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?… Just one, so long as the light bulb *wants* to change.
Pavlov’s dog to his friend: “See that! Every time I salivate, Pavlov smiles and scribbles something in his notebook.”
Dog #1 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Dog #2 No but it makes my mouth water. (Pavlov’s Dog Experiment: Amazing Nobel Prize Psychology Lesson!)
What does a depressed tortilla say?… I don’t wanna taco ’bout it. (Taco Jokes)
One behaviorist meets another one on the street. He says, “Hi. How am I feeling today?”
Where in America should you go to feel good about yourself and life?… Fort Worth Texas! (Texas Jokes)
Tommy paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant. “What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer. “Well,” said Tommy, “this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.” “Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.” “Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Tommy said. “By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer. “Applied psychology.” (Waiter Jokes)
A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find and antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.” “Me first! Me first!” says the Ph.D. student. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless.” Poof! He’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the post-doc. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.” Poof! He’s gone. “You’re next,” the genie says to the professor. The professor says, “I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.” (Hawaii Jokes)
Why do tennis players have low self esteem?… Because they have so many faults. (Tennis Jokes)
Why did the donut start going to therapy?… It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole! (Donut Jokes for Kids)
What did the hippocampus say when it retired?… “Thanks for the memories.”
What do you call a Jedi in denial?… Obi-Wan Cannot Be! (May the 4th Be With You Jokes)
Apologies, but most of these pi jokes are about being irrational. (Pi Day Jokes for Teachers & Pi Math Jokes)
What do you call sad coffee?”… Despresso. (Coffee Jokes)
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist?… He no longer believed in himself.
Receptionist to psychologist: “Doctor, there’s a patient here who thinks he’s invisible.” “Tell him I can’t see him right now.”
Three Freudians go into a bar. The bartender asks for some id. (Beer Jokes)
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?… Just one, but it’ll need nine more sessions.
Why did the apple pie cry?… It’s peelings were hurt! (Pie Jokes)
What profession truly enjoys fruitcakes?… Psychologists (Fruitcake Jokes)
One day a guy went to a psychologist for the first time. After telling him his troubles, the man says, “So doc, what’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies, “Well, you’re crazy.” Indignant, the man replies, “I am not, I want another opinion.” To which the doctor replies, “OK… You’re also ugly.”
My new sunglasses are making me paranoid… Everyone suddenly seems shady! (Sunglasses Jokes)
What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician?… A magician pulls rabbits out of hats, whereas a psychologist pulls habits out of rats. (Rabbit Jokes & Hat Jokes)
What do you call a lobster that’s afraid of tight spaces?… Claw-strophobic.
Teacher: Define claustrophobia. Student: Fear of Santa Claus? (Christmas Jokes)
What do you call a body of water on the moon?… Lunacy. (Ocean Jokes & Psychology Jokes)
“The moon is waning. Do you think it’s sad?”… Nah, it’s just going through a phase. (Full Moon Jokes)
Why did the watermelon go crazy?… He lost his rind. (Watermelon Jokes)
What do you call someone who refuses to accept that they’re swimming in an African river?… In de Nile. (World Geography Jokes & Swimming Jokes)
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, “A Final Four basketball coach?” (Final Four Jokes)
How did the crazy shark become normal again?… electro shark therapy. (Shark Jokes)
What do you call a sad mole?… Dismole. (Mole Day Jokes)
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?… Well, how many do you think it takes?
Why was the groundhog depressed about his den?… He was having a bad lair day! (Ground Hog Day Jokes)
What do kind of coffee goes well with a fruit cake?… Despresso. (Top Fruit Cake Day Jokes)
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?… Just one. All he has to do is to hold it in place while the world revolves around him.
A psychotherapist returned from a conference in the Rocky mountains, where the delegates spent more time on the icy ski slopes than attending lectures and seminars. When she got back, her husband asked her, “So, how did it go?” “Fine,” she replied, “but I’ve never seen so many Freudians slip.” (Colorado Jokes & Top Winter Jokes)
What undergarment does a psychologist wear?… A Freudian Slip
At a job interview for a new receptionist: “I see you used to be employed by a psychologist. Why did you leave?””Well, I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile; if I was early, I was anxious; and if I was on time, I was obsessional.” (Top Summer Jobs for Teachers)
“Doctor, I feel as though nobody understands me.”… “What do you mean by that?”
Ocean walks in to a bar Bartender says “why so blue?” (Ocean Jokes & Beer Jokes)
What are unhappy cranberries called?… Blueberries!
“Doctor, I feel like such a failure.”… “Anyone who can pay my fees is certainly not a failure.”
Why was the sports fan acting so crazy?… He had March Madness! (March Madness Jokes)
What do you call the NCAA tourney when your #1 seed loses to a #16 seed?… March Sadness. (March Madness Jokes)
Why are watermelons the saddest fruit?… They get melancholy. (Watermelon Jokes)
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing! (Walking Jokes)
“After 12 years of therapy, my psychotherapist said something that brought tears to my eyes.” “What did he say?” “”No hablo inglés.””
You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you’re eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don’t get one… That’s the domino effect… (Pizza Jokes)
Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for men than for women?… Because when it comes to going back to childhood, men are already there.
Why are Tacos depressed?… Because they’re always falling apart. (Taco Jokes)
What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole?… Bi-Polar. (Christmas Eve Jokes)
A woman was taking a nap on Valentine’s Day afternoon. After she awoke, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous and expensive diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day! What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening, her husband came home with a small package for her. Thrilled, she opened it and found a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.” (Book Jokes / Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes / Napping Jokes)
Are you a scratch player?… I sure am – every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went. (Golf Jokes for Kids)
My psychologist told me: “Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them.” I have done so, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters…
Why was the Grinch afraid of Santa Claus?… He was Claustrophobic. (Grinch Jokes)
A man starts his new job at an insane asylum: He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions. “Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?” “Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The director then calls up three patients for a demonstration. He asks the first one, “what’s is 6 times 6?” The patient is shaking and nervously says “1000?” The director shakes his head “no, give this one six more months,” then turns to the next patient. This one jumps up and down and screams “February!” “Oh god no!” Says the director. “Another year for this one!” Finally, he turns to the third patient who looks at him calmly and says “well, the answer is obviously 36.” “Yes!” Exclaims the director. “How did you know that?!” “Easy, I just divided 1000 by February.” (February Jokes)
What did the bouncer say to the psychology major and his friends, Ego and Superego?… I’m sorry I can’t let you enter without Id.
What do you get when you cross a banana peel with a psychologist?… A freudian slip.
Why did all the dogs start salivating when the ice cream truck passed by?… It rang a bell.
Why was the middle school trash can sad?…He / she was dumped. (Middle School Jokes)
What do angry hockey players say after getting tripped?… That’s it – no more Mr. Ice guy. (Hockey Jokes)
“A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.” Jay Leno (Dog Jokes & Canada Day Jokes)
What do you call a sad bird?… A bluebird! (Bird Jokes)
Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated. (Graduation Jokes)
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drank coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?” (Coffee Jokes)
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?… A nervous wreck! (Pirate Jokes & Ocean Jokes)
Why was the cheeseburger sad?… It had blue cheese! (Cheeseburger Jokes for Kids)
Why did Pumbaa’s friend call the complaints hotline?… T’moan! (Lion King Jokes & Disney Jokes for Kids)
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job, de-pleating and de-pressing. (Labor Day Jokes)
Client: “Doctor, help me. I think I’m a dog.” Psychologist: “Lie down on the couch.” Client: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the furniture.”
What did Columbus do with the blue whale?… Cheered it up. (Cheerleading Jokes & Columbus Day Jokes)
What’s white, red and blue at Christmas time?… A sad candy cane! (Candy Jokes)
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What’s the difference between a loan and a psychologist?… The loan eventually matures and earns money.
Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, “Hello!” The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, “God, I wonder what *that* was all about?”
What is a boat full of psychiatrists labeled as?… Freudian ship.
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?… Claustrophobia! (Christmas Jokes)
Why was the Grinch afraid of Santa Claus?… He was Claustrophobic. (Christmas Jokes / Psychology Jokes / Grinch Jokes)
Why were Pavlov’s curls always amazingly perfect?… He used classical conditioning.
As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, “My God! Whoever did this really needs help!”
What’s the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?… If you say, ‘I hate my mother’, a psychiatrist will ask, ‘Why do you say that?’, whereas a psychologist will say, ‘Thank you for sharing that with us.’
Doctor, doctor! I’m scared of Father Christmas!… You’re suffering from Claus-trophobia!
What did the psychologist name his scared cat?… Freudy cat.
Why was the person with narcissism so secure in his relationship?… He knew his significant other loved him.
What did the employee say when his boss asked him if he should hire him as a reverse psychologist?… I don’t think you should.
What was Waldo going to start psychotherapy?… He wanted to find himself.
What did the out of work rat write on his cardboard scrap?… Don’t mind pressing a lever for food.
Why is there no point in going to a child psychologist?… They’re too young.
What did the depressed statistician say when the psychologist asked if someone had been mean to him?… I don’t remember, but probably.
Why did the psychology student ask the speaker if he had Broca’s aphasia?… His lecture left him speechless.
What did the author of the reverse psychology books request his readers to do?… Not read the book.
What did everyone call Freud after he lied about studying for the psychology exam?… Sigmund Fraud.
What does a psychologist wear to work?… Shrinkwrap.
Why did the Psychology major work in a theatre as a side job?… He knew projection very well.
What does a psychologist listen to for music?… Shrink rap.
Why did the psychology major have a cast on his arm?… He had suffered a Freudian slip.
How many psychologists does it take to change a bike tire?… Only one, but the tire should have the motivation to change.
Why did the psychology major panic when the bartender rang the happy hour bell?… He remembered that he’d forgotten to feed his dog
Why was the psychology major such a good musician?… He was classically conditioned.
How many people with narcissism does it take to change to change a tire?… You only need one. He’ll hold the tire and the world will revolve around him.
I just got back from my first session at the Bird Psychologist He comes highly recommended, but the tweetment won’t be cheep.
I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings… Apparently it’s an Apartment Complex
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?” (Top Basketball Jokes)
I told my psychologist I was thinking about killing myself. He said, “How can I help?”

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