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- What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?… Instagram.
- Which relative chimes at you every hour?… A Grandfather Clock! (Grandparent Jokes)
- My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60….. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is. (Walking Jokes for Kids & Hiking Jokes)
- Knock! Knock!… Who’s there?… Grandma. Knock! Knock!… Who’s there?… Grandma… Knock! Knock!… Who’s there?… Grandma. Knock! Knock!… Who’s there?… Aunt. Aunt who?… Aunt you glad Grandma’s gone? (Knock Knock Jokes for Kids)
- What do you call a grandpa whale?… A hunch back whale! (Whale Jokes for Kids)
- When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
- A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.” (Dog Jokes)
- A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandma “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
- When do you know your grandfather is old enough to retire?… Instead of lying about her age she start bragging about it!
- Why do grandparents count pennies?… They are the only ones who have the time.
- Why do Grandparents smile all the time?… Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
- When is your grandparents bedtime?… Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.
- After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”
- A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!” (Skating Jokes)
- My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
- A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.” (Elementary School Jokes)
- I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!” (Crayon Jokes)
- When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.” (Travel Blogs)
- A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said… “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.” (Teacher Jokes)
- Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.” (Fireman Jokes & Mother’s Day Jokes)
- Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” The other says, “I feel just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants”
- A kids grandparents visit over the holidays go to church for Christmas Mass. Halfway through the service, the grandpa leans over and whispers in his wife’s ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” The Grandma replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.” (Christmas Jokes & Christmas Trivia)
- A Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the elderly man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
- A grandfather from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. He told her rabbi he had two final requests. First, he wanted to be cremated, and second, he wanted her ashes scattered over Yankee Stadium. “Yankee Stadium!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Yankee Stadium?” “Then I’ll be sure my son visits me once a week.” (Baseball Jokes)
- A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.” (Fast Food Jokes)